I wrote recently about being a megaphone, about living in my sweet spot, about the job that has my hands and heart.
Here’s what I didn’t share:
sometimes it’s hard to watch others rise while you fall.
Over the past year especially, I’ve intentionally pulled back from the internet. Welcoming my Josie girl into life, adjusting as my husband began working from home and took additional jobs, raising a super active and smart enough to know when I’m on my phone preschooler… my time has shifted. I no longer use babysitter and mom’s morning out times to write for myself. My writing has slid to the bottom of the ‘taking care of me’ pile, which is already at the end of the everything else list.
I’m confident in the choices our family has made, including my less than regular writing schedule. This is the only shot I have with my tiny ones and I’m unwilling to compromise it away. But there has been a price (smaller, but real). My numbers have plateaued. I’ve turned away opportunities and sponsorships and collaborations. My dreams are shrinking a little and there’s a wistfulness because there’s no way for me to cram one more thing into my day, and even as I know that deeply, I fervently wish I could:
- Post more community building tweets? I wish.
- Submit proposals to agents and publishers? I wish.
- Post more beautiful words, more often? I wish.
- Edit and share archived posts? I wish.
- Post more encouraging words on Facebook and Instagram? I wish.
- Make edits on my book and offer it again in a fresh, new format? I wish.
More, more, more.
All of it is on hold while real beckons. While my heart behind the more is good – I want to encourage, to share my real life, to be a place where others can realize they’re not alone, to live my dreams – it’s also selfish because I want to be known. I want my name in lights. I want to ‘make it’. I want:
- more email subscribers
- more Twitter and Facebook and Instagram followers
- more chances to Periscope
- more speaking engagements
- more opportunities and connections
More, more, more.
It’s ugly to see this heart of mine to be known written out in black and white. I’ve held it all my life. I want my husband to know me and get frustrated instead of thrilled when I realize there’s much that he, even after a decade, still doesn’t know about me. I get straight jealous when others who are similar to me are offered projects and opportunities by people who don’t know my gifts.
I feel guilty when the reactions that rise to the surface are these, instead of letting my current be enough, instead of letting my fame to Him be enough. But I think God knew this desire would be mine:
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
– Psalm 139:23
O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
– Psalm 139:1
What is the price of five sparrows—two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.
– Luke 12:6-8
He truly does know. It truly is possible to breathe that into being and consciously, working hard at it, let it be enough. It’s not ‘settling’ to watch a platform crumble while an altar is being built up. It’s an attitude shift, a heart-level change to make – one that does not come naturally or easily to me, and therefore needs to be begged for and nurtured. It’s a new way to see myself and the One who made me. It’s a woman I want my kids to look up to, my husband to gaze upon, my friends to wonder at.
- More of Him.
- More of His fruit.
- More of me laid down to receive more of Him.
More, more, more of what will last. This is what my heart needs. This is what I need to be intentionally asking of from Him.
You can find me linking up with Mama Moments, Modest Mom, Tuesday Talk, Works For Me Wednesdays, and SITSgirls Sharefest this week! Also, the links above may be affiliate links, which means that, at no extra cost to you, I earn a commission on your purchase through these links. Thank you so much for your support of this site! I appreciate you!
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This is really beautiful Anna because you shared hard, honest things. These are the honest things about the nature of blogging, writing, and gaining platform in an online world. Even if done with a sincere loving heart, there are always things that we are inevitably saying no to when we say some to others. I am coming to terms with this also on a smaller level even as I prepare for the 31 days challenge:/ I’ve been comforted by Freeman’s thoughts on “smallness” and recently wrote a bit about that too. It’s good to embrace our hidden-ness and see that all along it’s God’s protection and timing that is being put into place. Speaking these words to myself again too!
I love your heart, friend. I know you. I see you. And I can’t stop telling people about you. Love the choices you have made for you and yours. Love these words. I’m right there with you.
You speak on behalf of many writers/bloggers who feel the same way. We feel at times we are a needle in a haystack and the time and effort it all takes to write and market it can be overwhelming. I know I feel that way many times and often wonder, why am I doing this. So glad you shared your heart with us today on Tuesday Talk. Do join us next week too.
Anna, thank you for being so open! I don’t want my blog to take up my mom time either, so that means I don’t get to spend as much time working on it as I know it needs in order to grow. But I know that God will bless me for choosing to put Him and my family first. When I do find myself stressing over the blog, I know that is time for me to reevaluate my priorities and thinking. It is easy to get focused on what more we wish we could or think we should do.
I love your honesty friend. I want more of those things too but thank you for reminding me what I truly want and neec more of–HIM!! I love this line: “It’s not ‘settling’ to watch a platform crumble while an altar is being built up.” YES!!
This really strikes a chord with me. It’s so beautiful. I often have thought in the past years that I want to get to a point where I’m not so needy. I feel like I’m asking God for help constantly. I’m realizing more and more that spiritual maturity does not look like you are doing it all right, it looks more and more dependent on him. More of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.