Here’s what I didn’t share:
sometimes it’s hard to watch others rise while you fall.
Over the past year especially, I’ve intentionally pulled back from the internet. Welcoming my Josie girl into life, adjusting as my husband began working from home and took additional jobs, raising a super active and smart enough to know when I’m on my phone preschooler… my time has shifted. I no longer use babysitter and mom’s morning out times to write for myself. My writing has slid to the bottom of the ‘taking care of me’ pile, which is already at the end of the everything else list.
I’m confident in the choices our family has made, including my less than regular writing schedule. This is the only shot I have with my tiny ones and I’m unwilling to compromise it away. But there has been a price (smaller, but real). My numbers have plateaued. I’ve turned away opportunities and sponsorships and collaborations. My dreams are shrinking a little and there’s a wistfulness because there’s no way for me to cram one more thing into my day, and even as I know that deeply, I fervently wish I could:
- Post more community building tweets? I wish.
- Submit proposals to agents and publishers? I wish.
- Post more beautiful words, more often? I wish.
- Edit and share archived posts? I wish.
- Post more encouraging words on Facebook and Instagram? I wish.
- Make edits on my book and offer it again in a fresh, new format? I wish.
More, more, more.
All of it is on hold while real beckons. While my heart behind the more is good – I want to encourage, to share my real life, to be a place where others can realize they’re not alone, to live my dreams – it’s also selfish because I want to be known. I want my name in lights. I want to ‘make it’. I want:
- more email subscribers
- more Twitter and Facebook and Instagram followers
- more chances to Periscope
- more speaking engagements
- more opportunities and connections
More, more, more.
It’s ugly to see this heart of mine to be known written out in black and white. I’ve held it all my life. I want my husband to know me and get frustrated instead of thrilled when I realize there’s much that he, even after a decade, still doesn’t know about me. I get straight jealous when others who are similar to me are offered projects and opportunities by people who don’t know my gifts.
I feel guilty when the reactions that rise to the surface are these, instead of letting my current be enough, instead of letting my fame to Him be enough. But I think God knew this desire would be mine:
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
– Psalm 139:23
O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
– Psalm 139:1
What is the price of five sparrows—two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.
– Luke 12:6-8
He truly does know. It truly is possible to breathe that into being and consciously, working hard at it, let it be enough. It’s not ‘settling’ to watch a platform crumble while an altar is being built up. It’s an attitude shift, a heart-level change to make – one that does not come naturally or easily to me, and therefore needs to be begged for and nurtured. It’s a new way to see myself and the One who made me. It’s a woman I want my kids to look up to, my husband to gaze upon, my friends to wonder at.
- More of Him.
- More of His fruit.
- More of me laid down to receive more of Him.
More, more, more of what will last. This is what my heart needs. This is what I need to be intentionally asking of from Him.
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