How do you make friends when the only chance you have to talk to her is in the church hallway, your two year old tugging and screaming, ‘Our car! Home!’, her newborn strapped on & squawking and four year old shooting water from the fountain?
How do you make friends when you work a full day, either behind a desk or chasing children?
How do you make friends when you have to choose between couch time with your husband or girls night out?
How do you make friends when the next morning is going to come at 3am because your kidlets don’t sleep all night?
How do you make friends when you run in for a coffee and your guts twist at seeing a book club gathered, and you haven’t read a non-board book in three years?
How do you make friends when the thought of inviting women into your home makes your heart palpitate? When hosting doesn’t come naturally to you? When your plates are chipped and don’t match your mugs and your dishwasher is on the fritz? When your home is less-than-ideal for a group to gather, you don’t have enough parking, your floors full of dog hair?
How do you make friends when you are afraid?
Sister, I don’t pretend to know. These questions all come from me because these questions all belong to me. Me – the girl who has made ‘welcome’ her 2014 theme. Yikes. I hunger for real and deep friendships, built over time together. I don’t know how they possibly made time to know one another, how they are physically able to gather regularly.
Here’s what I do know: to make friends, you have to fight. You claw at the uphill battles of time, fear, dog hair. You gouge out time, you face fear, you pull out the vacuum =) You pick up the phone with trembling hands and send the invitation. You set the table with your chipped china and serve crackers (and maybe wine) right out of the box because hospitality isn’t about the food.
You let your four year old shoot water from the fountain while you chat with a friend because water will dry up and so will souls.
Fighting for friendship while mothering is imperative because we need each other. We need each others stories to make us feel less alone, we need each others hands to physically help carry the load, we need to lean on and learn from each other, and we need to drink deep to prevent drying up.
I am not good at making friends. I prefer to skip small talk and dive in, and that freaks people out. I am usually afraid I look like I’m showing off (while I’m actually quaking in my boots). I have a tendency to overshare. I get jealous of others outings but don’t initiate any of my own. So here are a few things I HAVE to keep in mind, for myself:
When I’ve accepted an invitation: when I’ve carved out time, chosen the girls night out, been invited somewhere… I drink deep. Turn the ringer up then put my phone away. Don’t call home to check in or say good night. Just, simply, enjoy.
When I’m extending the invitation: starting a book study at church, hosting a dinner in my home, initiating a play date… I must be brave. They may say no, and it doesn’t mean it’s because of me. Straighten my home but don’t deep clean. Light a candle and play some good music. Then breathe and just, simply, enjoy.
These little things truly do help, but readers, I want to know:
How do YOU, your very own self, make friends? What are your roadblocks? What little helpful ideas do you have?
-Anna
{girl with blog}
Oh sweet friend, I feel that struggle too. It can be so hard to have real, deep conversations during playdates or quick stops at church. I’m learning that I do need to make time away from my kids with my girlfriends. I just can’t concentrate well enough when my kids are around. It’s also helped to just check in with a text message during a free moment, because those quick messages remind my friends that I care, and they often turn into deeper conversations. And for those friendships where our husbands are friends too, we get together as families and take turns talking and playing with the kids. I hope we can see much more of each other this year! 🙂
Oh. This is good. SO good.
so beautiful. so deep and oh the “water will dry up and so will souls” … is so powerful and truthful.
amazing.
This resonated with me, Anna. I struggle with the fear, the tendency toward over-sharing. I say things I regret, using words that don’t adequately explain my heart. I sometimes feel like it’s all a job interview. I’m learning better every day though to cherish the welcome mat, the chipped mugs–imperfect, a little blemished but filled with good things. Is there anything to be cherished like the authenticity of slowly formed methodical friendships?
On a side note, I think its important for you to know as you enter the new year under the umbrella of “welcome” that your home was a sanctuary on a cold night. I loved drinking my water from a mason jar. I loved holding a Dayspring mug in my hand. I loved the hug, the smile and the sense that I was a part of something beautiful. Your dog filled my heart to overflowing. December was rough and sitting there on a early January night with you girls felt not like a job interview but a divine appointment; an invitation to breathe. It was a gift to arrive knowing the light was left on for me. I bet the other girls felt the same way. You’ve got this, Anna. This welcome thing . ..so not a problem.
Oh Anna,
This goes straight to my heart. Actually, the InRL MN gathering last year was a huge breakthrough for me in this area. The fear is slowly subsiding.
I, too, belong the oversharer’s club. I always leave wondering why I said something or what they must think of me. Why did I talk SO much?!?! I am horrible at small talk, it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. But the thing is….I don’t want small talk. I, too, long for deep connections that fill the soul.
Of course, I think many of these things we buy into are generally lies from the enemy. He wants us disconnected and lonely. We are easier targets that way.
Press on, friend! It is going to be a wonderful year!!!
Are we soul sisters? You sound a lot like me and I like it 🙂 I crave the interactions with REAL people in REAL life. I have started inviting people to my home this year and so far I have had 3 families come to my home…Feeling my cup runneth over 🙂 But I have learned to be patient because I know I am going to have to be the one to invite and I can’t wait for friends to invite me. I will even invite myself to things because I want to get out! I am not afraid of doing it and it makes me most happy 🙂
I love the way you write, Anna, and I have all the same questions you do. Creating and maintaining friendships in this phase of life is hard! I’m amazed at how lonely I can be with little people climbing on me all day every day. I really admire your commitment to reaching out, no matter how scary it is to do it. I’m looking forward to reading the thoughts you share in the year ahead.
How I long for real friendships where we talk about real things. But I get so afraid and end up shutting everyone out. Not sure what to do about it, but I do know the problem is not going to fix itself.
Oh Anna, you have such an amazing way with words. This post was stunning and beautiful! I am sure it is hard to be a momma and try to make friends. I know that even as a single woman I struggle with that too. You, my dear friend, always make me feel so welcome. Love you dear friend!
Oh my. This post sounds like you’re talking about me. Since I’ve become a SAHM, making new (non-high-school-related friends have totally been a problem for me – in the Real World. It really is a scary thing for me to do. I can count in one hand how many “friends” have been to my home. And the same goes for how many I talk to on the phone every month! Sad, right?
Wow. I could have written this. I love your heart.
Comforted to know making new friends doesn’t come easy for other busy moms, too. I often think maybe it’s just me. Maybe I come across as weird? Maybe I talk too much when I get nervous meeting new people, or maybe I have unrealistic expectations that other moms would be interested in making new friends. Thank you for your honest post. I know I worry more than I need to. Lately, I have been trying to simply focus on being myself and making more of an effort to reach out to others.
I’m giggling because I recently made a new friend, and the first time I met her, I waddled to the door eight months pregnant with twins, shook her hand, and thought, wow, what’s next? And as you suggested, we ignored the mess in my house and sat on the patio. We drank a glass of wine because that’s all I had around. I too love your sentiment that water will dry up, and so will souls. All the things we fear are nothing compared to a lonely and sequestered life.
I made a friend for life at a La Leche meeting just by being there with the other moms. One girl was sharing all the things she was going through with her son. He had to be on a heart monitor. She was awake all night waiting for the thing to go off. She put the call out there for help cleaning up her house or just someone to sit with him while she tried to sleep. Needless to say I answered the call. We have been friends for 13 years now. 🙂