I was able to slide into a last minute headshot slot last month at the Allume conference. I had just cut bangs, and my last headshot was over a year old, so in general I thought it would be worth a $20 update. Today the photos were made available for download, and I feel as though I am seeing myself for the first time truly as I am now.
A lens of ten+ years ago serves as my filter, making the tiny lines at the corners of my eyes surprise me, my not-quite-perfectly white teeth take me back, the size of my jeans receiving a cringe. Ten years ago I was a smooth-faced, bright smiling size 8. That girl had already lived thru things, good and not-so-good things, and was happy.
But that girl? She wasn’t married to an incredible man. She didn’t have a sweet toddler calling her mommy. She didn’t have a loyal and boon companion in a golden retriever. She didn’t own a home, each item in it carefully selected with love. She wasn’t living her vocational call, serving and learning and growing and teaching and speaking. Was she happy? You bet. But she had no idea what was coming down the pike.
Today as I blew up my headshot, really looking at it, I saw myself. In my own skin. I saw the little lines, earned from my big smile that crinkles my eyes shut when I belly laugh. I saw a hair color new to the last few years, un-highlighted and changed darker solely from the hormones of four pregnancies & two births. I saw an old cozy sweater that wraps in comfort, un-trendy but made just for me. I saw the permanent dark circles under my eyes, brought on by 23 months of interrupted sleep (and let’s be honest, I hadn’t slept much while at Allume!) I saw the need for lip gloss and blush, left behind in my purse as I hurried to make my appointment time and honestly? It didn’t even occur to me to touch up my makeup before the shoot.
In all that is in these photos, I just see me. Gently and genuinely smiling, untouched up face with the ‘beautiful imperfections’ that make me just that. And dark circles and all… I liked what I saw. There was no rush to hide the photos – no, I changed all my avatars to these photos. The interrupted nights, the lack of trendy, the giant baby bump that comes from so many pregnancies… I earned them all. I love them all.
And I wear them proudly.
I don’t know what you wear secretly – weight, infertility, jobs, just life stuff – but tonight I prayed for you. I prayed that we would be bearers of our journeys, that our marks would be visible and we would let them simply be so that we may encourage one another along the way! In sharing our beautiful imperfections, we allow others to share theirs, and isn’t that what we hope for in community? I prayed that we could shatter our ten-year old lenses and see the women we are today, just as we stand today, and that we would love that woman. That we would look at ourselves the way we want our daughters & sons to look at themselves, truly, in love and in kindness and in peace.
I pray you see yourself today and that when you do, you smile and pat your back and wear it proudly.
-Anna
{girl with blog}
Photos by Kim DeLoach Photo.
You are beautiful, and these photos show that inner beauty with a clarity that brought tears to my eyes, especially the body shots. I’m so guilty of looking back in comparison, even though I know that now I am far more beautiful and true than I’ve ever been in my life.
Now, dearest Anna, please change the head shot on your blog to the real you.
Love you!
This is beautiful friend. Honestly, I have a hard time looking at mine and it had never crossed my mind to actually zoom in and look. Yikes!! I know I am certainly my own worst critic of every little flaw – real or imagined. Thanks for sharing your heart here. You are a beauty inside and out!
First of all those shots of you and your ‘new baby to be’ are just adorable. Your smile is showing love already and you are beautiful. YOU are beautiful… in all your simple non made up ways. I like it. You challenge me to go get a ‘picture taken’ and be accepting of what I see.
I can’t tell you how much I love this and relate so much. I looked through my photos last night and realized for the first time that I do look older. And there are some stray hairs I wish were tamed, lines I didn’t know I had, circles that I’m pretty sure will never leave my eyes. But all of that came secondary to a feeling that … yes….this is me, now. In this season. And I like that I’m not the size I was 10 years ago. I like the confidence the decade has added, and I wouldn’t trade those wrinkles for any of the laughter that put them there 🙂
Also? You’re beautiful.
I love these pictures! You are beautiful inside and out. I have changed my attitude about myself in the last month too. And I didn’t even have headshots because I didn’t think I would look good enough. Next year I will though. Because the last 13 years have brought me a marriage, 4 babies, amiscarriage, and so much more. So this girl is now proud to be a size 12-14 with stretch marks, wrinkles, bags under my eyes, and lots and lots of love in my heart. Be proud.
This is beautiful and so are you, Anna! I also use the “lens of ten+ years ago” as my filter. How refreshing and necessary for all of us to let go of that and see the beauty in the people we are now.
Anna, this is a lovely post. I think it’s so easy for us to look back and think about how we looked “back then,” but also be aware of so much good on the way from God to get us to where we are now. I think these photos are stunning: you are smiling so genuinely, your hair and belly are beautiful, and I like that color of green. Most of all, you are comfortable with who you are and you love yourself- two huge things that many people don’t achieve until many years down the road. I’m so honored to be your friend and know you in real life.
I love this…and, friend, I love your heart. I so wish we would have had more time to connect at Allume, but I look forward to the next time! You are beautiful…inside and out. (((hugs)))
You are beautiful in your new pictures and all of the others I have seen. You make my day. I love your blog. I love the pictures of Sam, and can’t wait to see you new little one.
Hi Anna, I just need to say THANK YOU. I really needed to hear this truth today. To ignore the 10 years ago me (or even the 6 years ago me) that I still long to see in the mirror. And to embrace who I am now. I’ve been really struggling with the added weight I have from my pregnancy of 2 years ago. It’s weighing me down both literally and internally. Thank you for your words of truth that remind me I need to love who God has allowed me to be now.
Thank you for being YOU. It’s a beautiful thing <3
Anna, Thank you for your honesty and encouragement! Having cancer twice in five years has changed how I look and unfortunately how I look at myself. I keep trying to remember it’s who God made me and what’s on the inside that counts. Thanks!
Love,
Mary
I love this post. It is so important to look back not only at what we had (no stretched out belly) but what we didn’t have.