So.
Like a month ago, I was all, ‘The Boy’s going to be a big brother!! K bye.’ And then crickets from me about it.
I could tell you it’s been busy, which is true. I could tell you how I got the flu and was in bed for a week, and how I still have a cough and stuffy nose and all my extra energy has gone to fighting this cold, which is true. I could tell you how I got back yesterday from the Allume conference, where I worked 15 hour days and slept not enough and had a fantastic and full time, which is true.
Or I could tell you the truth, which is that I’m still terrified it’s all not real and I still look for blood every time I use the bathroom.
I have a gigantic belly. We’ve had three ultrasounds. The heartbeat’s thump has filled our ears. Baby is perfection, measuring to the due date. And yet… I’ve been utterly self-protecting by not talking about this baby at all. 14 weeks in, and still the fear that it’s not real or it will end. Which it always could. But I want to live into my word for this year, and choose the softness that will allow for joy. The vulnerability it takes to accept the joy is the hardest part of it all, I think. When you haven’t lost two babies, you don’t check the toilet paper for blood every time. You wait for any hint of a baby bump instead of buying shirts to hide it until your brain is actually able to grasp that it’s happened. You’re able to celebrate with your whole heart from the get-go. That is ok, and I am so happy you can do that!! But that’s not my reality, and that’s ok too.
I’m tired of being driven by fear and not allowing joy. That is a choice I can make. While so many things about pregnancy and child-raising are completely out of my control, the ability to choose joy is within my reach. So I’m making that choice, the one of joy, by sharing this with you:
{Please only say nice things. I’m a little overwhelmed at the size of that bump.} =)
-Anna
{girl with blog}{and toddler}{and baby}
YOU. ARE. SO. CUTE. And I love the way you share your honest thoughts here. I am blessed by your vulnerability AND the way you’re choosing joy! Praying for you and that sweet baby!
Preach it sister! I was going to say the exact same thing.
You are gorgeous, as usual! And believe me, I get where you are coming from. Until that sweet baby (I choose to believe it is a princess) is screaming at you from the outside, it is hard to believe that everything will be ok. Anytime you need someone to talk to about it, I’m only a phone call away. Until then, I’m praying, praying, praying for the whole bunch of you!
you are adorable. Can’t wait to see the mystery God has in store for you… be ready, He is willing to allow you the JOY again.
“While so many things about pregnancy and child-raising are completely out of my control, the ability to choose joy is within my reach.”
So very true. Our ability to choose joy is not the small thing we often think. It changes ABSOLUTELY everything.
Very excited for you. Thank you for your honesty.
I’m 17 weeks today with my first and I completely understand. I tried to get pregnant for 5 years. I’m so terrified and scared to be happy. I’ve been guarding my heart and it’s making it difficult to connect with baby.
I’m inspired by your resolve to choose happiness! Congratulations! E
You are so cute and so loved and so prayed for! Hugs Anna! I know, oh I know!
Loving and praying for you in this. If you ever need to chat or just need a hug, lets connect!
Jen
Anna! I can’t tell you how happy this post makes me. It brings tears. I think of and pray for you often. And I often wonder how it must feel, just exactly the feelings you’ve described, fear and joy all rolled up in one. I am so happy you are choosing joy! It is a hard choice to make! There is such freedom and power in choosing joy!
So much love and so many prayers!!
Vicki
Baby bump!!!! You’re beautiful, sweet friend! I’m so glad you are choosing joy over fear. I also struggled with the fear of miscarriage with my second, and it was harder to connect at first. It seems to get easier when baby starts moving and it feels more “real”. 🙂 Praying for God to give you peace and overflowing joy, and to protect your sweet baby. I can’t wait to meet this little one!
Just adorable. You will be blessed… and are blessed. enjoy every moment.
You are absolutely BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!! I smile every time I think of you or see your smiling face! 🙂 I totally understand the desire to protect this baby, even by not speaking about the pregnancy. It feels raw to whisper a blessing out loud sometimes, yes? We are going to trust Him together to protect you and this baby gift. I pray today that you will feel His strength and peace, and that your sweet child will be strong and healthy — a light for Him!
love,
Melanie
Beautiful. Lovely. Celebrating in JOY with you today and always. God is good 🙂
First of all, you are super cute. 🙂 Second of all, I hear you. I haven’t miscarried but because of reasons I won’t get into here, I’m a very fearful pregnant mama. I wouldn’t even talk to Mark about names until we had our third ultrasound and passed all of the other various tests a few weeks ago. Now, of course, I’m panicking at the realization that HELLO, the third trimester is HERE and I’m so not prepared! But some terrified part of me has kept me from really embracing this pregnancy because, like you described here, if I don’t act like it’s a big deal maybe I won’t be crushed if something happens. And that’s NOT the way I want to live my life (or, duh, the way God wants me to live my life).
Anyway. You are brave for sharing that here. Thank you.
Also? I’m super duper bummed to have missed seeing you at Allume. 🙂
So I know that I’m behind- but I love that you shared this! I was the exact same way, and although I never had a loss, infertility made me a complete pessimist and I think I checked for blood until I felt kicks and then I just felt for kicks 24/7. I didn’t even announce until 16 weeks! Anyway, the good thing is you know that God is faithful and you have the boy to prove it!! So so so happy for you!! xoxo
Suzy
I totally understand where you’re coming from. I’m almost 35 weeks and still look for blood. I’ve never experienced a loss but I had a hard time believing that I could experience such joy and not have anything bad happen. And you look fantastic!!! Congratulations on your blessing 🙂