I work 20 hours a week for an amazing non-profit, coaching congregations in social media use.
I’m part of the (in)couragers leadership team, creating and sharing documents and emailing and corraling 100’s of women leaders.
I am a mom to a cunningly adorable and stinker-ish toddler Boy who demands and deserves my attention.
I am wife to a wonderful, captivating man who asks nothing of me but deserves more than that much of me.
I have a house that I adore and would like to clean more than never (because mama lives with two boys and a dog who sheds like whoa).
I have this here blog, where I ache to pour out words and meet you at the fence and grow my presence because I love it.
I have family who lives nearby and I want to host them at dinners and celebrate with them and be the glue that binds us.
I have family who does not live nearby, and I want to make photo albums for them of The Boy and call them and check in.
I even have a few friends who deserve my love and time, and I long to give that to them but don’t.
—–
I may have/be all of those things, but I do not do them all well. I do not even come close.
This week alone has brought meltdowns, a pretty literal mountain of laundry on the bed (that moved onto the floor three days ago, where it still sits), tears from The Boy as I left for work, hundreds of emails, a lot of coffee, a dying computer, three cars each in need of some kind of (expensive) work, a LOT of office hours, a quiet family dilemma, dozens of hangers on the floor (brought inside from last weekends garage sale), not quite enough money to stretch, and a bunch of guilt and wondering.
I wonder how women in their 30’s make friends – the kind of friends you sit with, drinking coffee and watching the kids play while you just gab together. I wonder how families have savings accounts with more the $3 in them. I wonder how moms of toddlers manage to take a shower without their whole house being destroyed in those five minutes. I wonder how I will ever catch up with the life that is hurtling on by me. I wonder how in the world my Boy got to be nearly 21 months old. I wonder how new-ish parents take date nights, take time for each other, take back their marriages after having children. I wonder if how I will ever lose that ol’ baby weight. Sigh.
And I get so lost in the wondering that guilt about each of those things creep in. Instead of ‘I wonder’, it turns into
– ‘If only I did ______, then it’d be fine’.
– ‘Why can’t I pull it together enough to…?’
– ‘Other moms do____ – why can’t I just be like that?’
And that, friends, is the danger zone.
Wondering is ok. It is the wondering that pushes me to fill my hours with more than I thought I could, to write one more email, to read the book one more time, to forgo bedtime for five more minutes of fun, to get up a little earlier, to grow. But when the wondering turns ugly… that’s the cutoff. And honestly? {lean into the fence, friend – I have to whisper this} I’m struggling to not cross that line. At the end of the day, it’s hard to see all that I’ve done rather than the ginormous pile of mismatched hangers on the floor that’s covered with dog hair and ohmyword how long has that bottle been under the bed?
Offering grace to myself is not my forte.
But not only is it absolutely imperative that I offer grace to myself, we must offer it to each other. In very tangible ways. We must send a Starbucks gift card thru the iPhone app to a tired, weary sister. We must send a sweet text to a dear friend, even if we haven’t spoken in months because of life. We must pray for each other, really on our knees pray. We must bring a meal to a new mom, and not just think about it (this is a real life example. Jinger, I owe you this meal.) We must take our intentions and act.
I don’t have a pretty bow to wrap this one up with, friends. Today is about being simply honest with you and bringing it all to the fence.
Tell me, how are you struggling to ‘do it all’?
Do you seasoned mamas have any advice for this new-ish one?
New-ish moms, how do you deal?
-anna
{girl with blog}
Oh Anna. This is so appropriate for this moment I am in. I have really REALLY been struggling with this lately. I work full time, have an amazing husband who I desperately what to reconnect with on a marriage level like we had before our son was born. My son is 23 months old and while he flourishes at daycare I wonder if I am doing enough when we are together. I feel LOST. Uncertain how I should be spending my time. Unclear of what my purpose is in the midst of all this busy-ness. On top of it all, I deeply desire to retain the things that make me “me” and not just lose myself in all the roles I’m supposed to play. Thanks for meeting me today and for sharing that we are all in this together. Jess
Tears are streaming down my face right now. We’ve spent the last two weeks with $40 in our checking account and a nearly empty refrigerator. With one vehicle in the shop already (hopefully the repairs are under $40…good joke, right?) and another with a check engine light that just came on this morning, I’m right there with you…what could I have done differently? Could I have given up that extra hour of playing with my toddler yesterday afternoon to work at my dying direct sales business? Could I have bought the less expensive 2% milk, even though the doctor recommends whole, and spent the extra 40 cents on a banana or two?
Blessings, friend. I would send you an encouraging text, but I’ve lost all of my numbers many times since college, so this will have to do. Do you still have a pink cape somewhere? Maybe it’s time to pull that out and remember that you are better than a super hero – you’re a mom!
That danger zone you speak of? I have been trying to dig myself out of it. I have short moments here and there when I am perfectly content. Then: Boom! Right back in. I have so so so much to be thankful for and I know how blessed I am, but sometimes I feel like I have let myself, my family, my life get to shambles. Seriously, if it weren’t for my husband being superman, I’m not sure what would become of me. 🙂
I struggle with the same things. I do have online friendships…but it just doesn’t replace being able to sit down and share real life together. That is why I am so excited about Allume…a brief chance to bond with these women I have grown to love. But I so long for more here too…and if I am honest I don’t make friendships in person a priority because there is always a mountain of things to do. Praying that we both find and make some time to cultivate those friendships (or in my case find them!!) 😉
Oh, Amen, sweet friend. This stage of life with a toddler can be so overwhelming. I promise it does get easier, and you eventually have more time to do the things you can’t now. The advice I heard from one of our (in)courager mamas yesterday — focus on those things that matter most to you and God, the things that are maybe most “fragile”, and let the other things wait as much as you can. Also, I totally have less than $50 in checking. And I know an excellent mechanic who owes you some repairs!! 🙂 I really want to connect more soon; I treasure our time together! Love you, friend. Thanks for being real in this place and letting so many of us know we’re not alone.
I also cross into that danger zone from time to time. It can be a dangerous place, full of anger, frustration, resulting in beating ourselves up over all of the things we are seemingly not. Some of what you mention I too struggle with. Finances (my savings sounds a lot like yours my dear), making meaningful friends, feeling like a failure as a mother for not being X, Y, & Z. That is me right now. Your words hit so close to home. I’m relying on faith right now that some of the brave choices I’m making could help steer me in the right direction. Eventually, someday in the near future…your direction, quite literally! Maybe we could lean on each other like we used to way, way, way back when. Drink our coffee watching our little’s play. Oh, I hope. I hope life is taking me back up there soon. 🙂 But, no matter what, you’ll find your own ways of navigating through the tough waters of this season. I’m sure of it. Because you’re you, and you’re great. Just know you’re not alone, there is an army of mothers feeling very similar feelings as you right this moment.
Man do I wish I still lived in MN so that we could do this mom thing together in person. Because I’m in the same spot. Friends, money, marriage, laundry… all of it. But, even when we don’t talk a lot, I got your back, friend. We are in this boat together.
Sweet Anna! I loved this … because even though I’m 41 and my girl is 13, I could relate to every bit of it. Each season brings its own challenges … and somehow getting a shower has remained on mine even though my girl is in school every day. But, friend, you are living well! And someday, my mom assures me, the house will stay clean and the laundry caught up. Some things get easier as your children get older {like date night when they can stay home by themselves for a few hours!} … but somehow, I just think trying to love everyone and serve others and reach out to those in need will always mean there are dishes in the sink. 🙂 {And I’ve determined I’m okay with that!}
Love you, girl!
Thank you for opening up and being so vulnerable! You are not alone my friend 🙂 I have been working on this issue myself. It’s hard not to compare yourself with those around you, especially when in your mind it feels like all of those people have it 100% together and you are just keeping your head above water. Praying for you to stay away from the danger zone and realize your worth and the important holy work you are doing in and out of your home!
Oh Anna. Why? Why do you live so far away? I have a feeling that I could let you in past the piles of dog hair that build up every time I look away, and the dishes all over the counter. There’s stuff piled on every visible surface, and I just get too overwhelmed to even know where to start. That’s when I hide behind my laptop and push away my up close friends because I am ashamed of not being in control of the place that is supposed to be my responsibility.
However, there are places we are making progress. We now have a little money in savings (though it’s still less than $1000, and not much to brag about). I’ve gotten better at keeping up with laundry (now that the kids are old enough to do their own).
At the end of the day, I can only take comfort in knowing that my husband, my kids, and my dogs love me, even if I can’t exactly figure out why.
amen. if i had more brain power left i’d say more….but for now? i love you. and yes. this. SO MUCH.
Anna, your honesty is lovely as is the idea of grace to yourself. You are in the weeds and it will get better. And when it starts to get better, looking back at what things were like in the thick of it all, I think you will only remember the love and not the stress. My girls are 3 and 5, and I finally feel like I am coming up for air. I still have the laundry mountain, tears, and money worries, but joy is easier to find now. Or maybe it’s just easier to celebrate. I think you are on the right track. Go easy on yourself and recognize the small wins: the day the daycare dropoff is magically easier, a folded laundry basket, a compliment at work. Keep on blogging and inspiring even (sadly infrequent) readers like me. Wishing you peace!
Oh the tension! I know logically that time is moving quickly but it seems like the most obvious lessons are learned SO SLOWLY! By me and the kids both. The daily life of a mom is simultaneously fantastic and ridiculously difficult.
Thank you for your heart-felt and honest words.
I have been feeling much the same lately. Some of my circumstances are different, but the feeling is the same (especially the part about owing Jinger a meal!). I guess I could be considered a “seasoned” mom, but I so do not have it all together. I think all moms have things that they struggle with. Hearing about other mom’s struggles seems to make me feel a bit better about my own (not that I like to hear that others are struggling, but it makes me feel less alone). The best advice I have is to keep going and decide what is important at the moment and take care of that (and sometimes the important thing is to do a load of laundry or clean up the kitchen). God bless you!
Your words and the words of these sisters are like a balm to my oh-so-tired heart this week. Full-time ministry (which is really fuller than full time) + the demands of house, husband (wonderful as he is), 28 month old (whose going on 12) and 4 month old (delightful but demanding cutie) + no family in town = I came into work today “on the verge.” So I had my morning prayer time and then your blog was in my inbox. So I’m going to pray…for you, for these sisters, for moms everywhere and for myself. Here we go:
God of overflowing grace and comforting arms, bless all who struggle to honor you in the midst of the chaos of work, family, children, housekeeping. Remind us that in our weakness, you are strong and embolden us to surrender to you and lean on you for what we need. Bless us with healthy perspective, friends to talk to (and cry on) and laugh with, small joys to celebrate, and opportunities to fill our empty wells with worship, coffee, sleep and love and grace received. Help each of us to extend the grace we so easily and often extend to others to ourselves. Give us a long view of this season in our lives so that we can remember how fleeting it truly is in comparison with your deep and endless love for us and our families. And thank you for that. Amen.
Thanks for the honest post that we all struggle with but no one talks about…
Honesty. Real. Letting people in. I have been fighting some ugly jealousy, and today I read in Proverbs that “envy makes the bones rot.” Food for thought, there…
My friend shared this post with me after reading my blog. I have been crossing the line you talk of and it has been wearing on me. I can very much relate to you. In the past thankfulness is the biggest thing that has kept me from crossing the line. I need to get back to focusing on what I am thankful for instead of looking at what I lack. As for how anyone finds time for dates, I have no idea. The money just doesn’t seem there to afford a sitter and time out and at this point dates at home don’t work either. Thanks for sharing your heart! I hear ya.
I have 4 kids and an amazing husband and can never do it all! At the end of a day if they are all fed, (somewhat) clean and we laughed a lot…it’s a great day! Hang in there and welcome to Social Fabric!
Its a beautiful mess of a life we live isn’t it? Sounds like you could use that meal more than me! As for my story- Nearly three yrs ago God taught me how to love more, worry less, forget the dishes and remember that the most memorable days usually end with the dirtiest clothes (even if they are from that poop blow out). It was the hardest lesson I learned and let me tell you friend it was not fun, but I am sooo grateful God showed me the way and gave me patience and time as I learned. I still have my moments and life isn’t perfect but I’ve learned to ask for help and not be humiliated when a friend drops by and the house is a disaster- They arent there for an inspection, instead I try to find a clean coffee cup and offer her a cup of whatever is on hand- even if its cold, we have a microwave! God is teaching you and holding you as you swim through the depths of motherhood and life. Love and prayers friend- remember, we are all still learning- be patient with yourself! Love & prayers!
since staying home from teaching (just over a year for me now) to be home with my babes i realized that i felt much more efficient with my time when I was working full time…but really the energies were being spent elsewhere and we weren’t living LIFE in our home like we are now. i initially struggled with my decision to be home because the budget became much tighter, the house needed more cleaning and the kids were so much needier than i had anticipated. 😉 however, once i let go of trying to be the mother/wife/homemaker i thought i should be, and focused on who He made me to be with the gifts and abilities He gave me, then it became easier. i started to find the groove that worked for me and the kids, i didn’t fret so much if the dishes were left in the sink overnight, i remembered that email could wait until tomorrow…
…now that my oldest has started school i am so grateful that i had the time home with him this past year like i did. i don’t think he is going to remember the pile of laundry i left unfolded in his hamper fir a week, or the dust bunnies that grew and thrived under his bed, but i hope he remembers having a momma there for him, who loves him, and took him and his sister on adventures to the park or zoo during our days together.
in regards to the hubby we have found ways to be creative and date when the babes are in bed. my own craves quality time so i do my best to give life and love to him where it makes a
greater impact. focus your time and energy on his love language and make it count the most. 🙂
lastly, my greatest saving grace is that our family agrees to uphold a Sabbath rest each Saturday in our home. it is a time to worship, get in the Word, nap, and fellowship. it gives me freedom from guilt when i crave that nap or feel i should be doing housework because i see His goodness in creating and commanding a Sabbath rest for man. it has been a gift to me and my family notices a difference which is testament to what it does for my soul.
you are doing great things everyday, sweet Anna! do not lose heart!
I’ve been there SO MUCH recently. I wonder too how young moms do it all because I know I certainly can’t!!!!! I’m right there with you!!
Anna… You have me crying and nodding my head and praying — oh how I’m praying — for you! I wrote about this sort of thing for incourage yesterday, this thought that we can give ourselves grace in these times when the enemy whispers as he points out all the areas where we’re failing. I know how you feel. And that hamster wheel we’re all running on? Oh I know that well! Anna, you aren’t alone. And you do have friends who would love to sit over coffee and gab, but honestly I think we’re all just like you, too busy, trying to do so much, and struggling to hold on to what He has laid before us. We serve out of love and a need to give back, but we trust in Him. And on those days when you can’t find that trust, when you struggle to not cross that line… EMAIL ME! Reach out, friend. When you can’t pray for yourself, know that there are others who can — the Holy Spirit will groan out the prayers you need, and your fellow sisters will always be there to lift you up and out of the muck of hangers and month-old bottles (totally been there — once found a sippy with a smoothie in it stuffed into the play kitchen ;)). LOVE YOU!
Really love this piece, your honesty and vulnerability. I feel like I cycle back to a similar place every few months: overwhelmed, undersupported, hungry for help in the whirlwind of trying to do too much. I fantasize about making Big Life Changes but then I don’t, I forget to turn to prayer as the #1, I forget to lean in to God, I forget to see how much I’ve been blessed with rather than heap it together as Burden. But when I read these kind of reminders that I’m not alone in this, these kind of mama-testimonies that we’re all carrying so much, then I wonder why I let myself brood alone rather than reach out to the others around me who are surely feeling the same. Thanks for a nudge to get out of my comfort zone once again, to call that new neighbor down the street, to strike up a new friendship, to try to act like the friend I need.
Thank you for sharing. I think we all struggle to find the balance in our lives. And I don’t think anyone feels like they are successful at managing everything even half of the time. You do the best you can when you can and let it go when you put your head on the pillow at night. Remember to take care of you first – because if you aren’t healthy everything else will grind to a stand still. Just stopping by to welcome you to the Social Fabric Community!
I so needed to find this today. thank you for writing, for sharing your heart.