Tonight, while I was right next to him, my Boy fell against the toilet (out of the mouths of moms, right?!) He was crying, and I kept telling him that he was fine, but later I saw that his eyelid was red and puffy =( He must’ve bumped it when he fell, but I didn’t see it happen.
guilt.
This week, Husby was out of town. For the whole week. 5 full forever long days. I didn’t get any work done during the day because The Boy refused to nap (truly. He napped on Wednesday. That is all.), so everything work-related waited until after 9pm.
guilt.
The Boy was all off-kilter during the solo parenting week. Super irritable, extremely clingy, much screaming and crying… which made for a couple mommy meltdowns. One day in particular was especially awful. I was just touched out (you know what I mean?), we’d been up from 5-630am and then up for the day at 730am, it was now 2pm and The Boy hadn’t yet taken a nap. He was deliriously tired, but fighting it and me and everything else. I nursed him to sleep, bent to put him in his crib, and he lost.his.stuff. and so did I. I burst into tears at more of his, left him in his crib, called Husby, and wept that he needed to come home now. I let the Boy scream in his crib for 40 minutes. Even though he was safe, had a dry diaper, was just tired and mad, and I needed a few minutes without him…
guilt.
The time my sweet Boy rolled right off the couch and fell onto the floor.
guilt.
I yelled at Husby because he’s the only one I trust with my awful.
guilt.
I ate pie and cereal for supper.
guilt.
I haven’t done my PT exercises in weeks. I’m still having pain from my scar (from The Boy’s birth), and now I’m costing us $$$ for therapy that I’m not consistently doing.
guilt.
This post was supposed to be up last Tuesday.
guilt.
I haven’t cracked my Bible in a long time.
guilt.
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It eats at my heart like rust, working its way from the outside in. It steals my joy, confidence, peace. It’s a leech, attaching to the fullest parts only to suck them dry and painful. Guilt is a dirty word that I hate, tell others to accept freedom from, yet I succumb to its siren song daily. I wonder if, as a working mama, I will ever be free from it, finally releasing to the One who never guilts, only graces. Because there is always more – more to dos, more to gets, more to earn, more to give, more that I didn’t get to. There is always going to be more than I am able to do.
And maybe that’s the point.
That from me – us – there will forever be boxes unchecked, bumps and bruises, harsh words, poor choices, not enough given. I notice. I remember. But my Husby doesn’t keep track of the yelling. The Boy touches my face gentle and grins big when I cry. They forgive, and they do forget. Why can’t I?
I – we – need a touch more of that spirit, don’t we? We need to grasp the forget part of forgive. {aside: I don’t always believe that forget is an aspect of forgive. In this instance, on the topic of self-guilt, I do think it is. End aside.} As mamas – women – people, we must somehow figure out how to take a shower and let the yuck wash off, learning from it but not retaining it forever. Letting go that which doesn’t make us better. Yes, there are lessons to learn. Yes, there are examples to follow. Yes, there are things we truly shouldn’t do again. But the guilt that comes from that which is beyond our control, or from the things we think we should be doing and aren’t, or from the accidents, or from the little things that truly don’t matter… from this guilt, we need to be freed.
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In Him, there is enough to fill the gaps, heal the wounds, soothe the hurt, assuage the guilt. May that be all that washes over us this week.
– anna
{girl with blog}
{girl with blog}
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Can’t wait to talk blog next Friday! I am glad you got that hour to maybe breathe on Friday. At least I look forward to that hour for that reason some weeks. When daddy travels it is hard to deal with the guilt and feelings of failure when you let things go or can’t get things done like normal. You made it! You did great! I am going through it this week and am dreading how the clock change will impact things here on top of daddy being gone.
mama guilt is one thing I wish a little tylenol could cure.
You have an amazing blog. I look forward to poking around and reading more…that is if Sydney naps. She only napped one time last week. I feel your pain there mama.
I am so glad that we get to ‘talk blog’!!! Love it! Seriously, that hour was what pulled me through Thursday.
Tylenol doesn’t cure mama guilt, but wine/coffee helps… =) {grin}
Thanks for your kind words about the blog. It’s been a real lifesaver =)
Thank you for your beautiful brave here, Anna! And may you hear the whispers of His grace in the moments where the Enemy’s voice screams in your ears.
#YouAreAPreciousWoman
I just adore you, Lindsey. Thanks for your words here.
Praying for you today, that you feel His grace and accept it fully. He loves you and sees that you are the best momma that little boy could ever ask for!
I am currently battling the “more to-do’s”. I feel as though my girls and i live out of our car…and they are stressed out and worn down from it.
thank you for sharing your struggle to help others know they are not alone.
Thank you for your prayers, Sarah! I feel them and appreciate your heart. It’s always my hope that when women stumble across my blog, they find themselves here, and know that they aren’t alone. Thank you for affirming that – it just warms my heart.
Anna, your words are so beautiful in their honesty. Thank you for sharing that universal mom feeling that so often makes us feel so isolated. What a blessing you are to your family and to the women who are listening to you. Grace upon grace to you today.
And grace to you, Amy!! Thank you for your kind comment.
I mostly just read your blog and don’t really comment, but I could have written this post. I have felt pretty much all of that. I wanted to share a song a heard for the first time recently that comforted me. It is called A Lullaby For Me and is by Michael McLean. I tried to fina link to leave, but it isn’t well know enough for that. You can find it on iTunes and the lyrics can probably be found by googling it.
You are so very good with honest words friend. I tell ya, I’ve been there in ALL of those situations. ALL of them. And, you are so right about what we need to take from all that guilt. I’m so glad we are both real-life and bloggy friends.