I have a tendency toward melancholy. Staying indoors, overcast days, mid-winter bare trees, being quiet… I don’t mind these things. They make me cozy and calm.
Because I know this about myself, when I was pregnant I asked my husband to keep an eye on me and my emotions after baby was born. We’ve been watchful and prayerful, and so far so good. A little more anxiety than before Samuel, and it’s easier for me to get irritated, but neither is consuming or big. I’ve had situational depression before, I know what to look for in myself and heart, and those things are absent (thanks God).
But the last weeks, I have been feeling a little off. Call it the baby blues, the mid-winter slump, or being down in the dumps. Envy comes quickly and creates a pit in my stomach. A case of the ‘grass is greener’ syndrome rears its ugly head. Unkind thoughts about myself slowly creep into my head. Loneliness and an absence of girlfriends – the call at 2am, coffee order knowing, rich-conversation-having kind – brings me to tears. Exhaustion sets in deeply, and so do the dark circles under my eyes. Postpartum pain lingers.
But through each symptom of unrest, a seed of gratitude digs hard in my heart, fighting to take root and bloom.
To combat the yuck, I will count. Along with Ann, and though I’m late to join, I’m counting His gifts. Three a day*, posted on Mondays. Because there are so many gifts, big and small, known and unknown, seen and forgotten.
I’m choosing to see. And in that choosing, the seed begins to bloom.
March:
1. a cold drink, working while Sam snoozes beside me, my soft bed.
2. enough money for what we need, a favorite pair of rosebud earrings, the wrap in which I wear my son.
3. a new-to-me sweater, bigger jeans to accomodate my body that bore a child, my wedding ring.
 |
| he was chilly, so i snuggled him up IN that sweater =) |
4. best friends who are far away, getting up at 4am every night, no snow.
 |
| a couple of dear far away friends |
5. a swing my son loves, new passion to cultivate friendships, red polka dot egg cups.
It’s a good start.
*Ann provides a daily prompt – 3 gifts each day. I’ll be quietly using these – you can download your own copy of the Joy Dare prompts via her blog.
I remember the isolation of those first few months and the down-in-the-dumps feeling too. I’ll be thinking about you and your family and hoping that it passes soon. *biggianthugs*
Thanks for the hugs, Jen! You’re a sweetie =) I appreciate it!
beautiful.
Thanks friend. Love you.
Friend, we must have more conversations, as I know EXACTLY how you feel. I fight it every day these days. Loneliness, feelings of anxiety and frustration, feelings of inadequacy. Like you, I told Jon and my mom to keep an eye on me during pregnancy and these post pardom days due to past experiences with depression. And, like you, I don’t feel that coming on, just a sense of off-ness. So, even if we don’t get to chat as often as we like, know I’m going through the exact same thing.
Thankful to be in good company. It’s not despair or anything dark – an ‘off-ness’ is the best way I could put it. Love you – sending hugs to SD =)
ps – you will be here SOON!! how full is your calendar?
Keep a positive outlook and you will be ok. Gratitude tells us that we have much to be thankful for. I will pray that you will be healing physically soon and you will emotionally be stable, having a new baby is hard and it is definately a change. Isn’t he handsome, beautiful and precious? Love the pictures.
Dearie me, sometimes I’m baffled at how much I find myself relating to you, though I am in a different place at the moment (no baby). You are in my prayers and I just want to thank you for being so open and honest. I know it’s not easy. This is something I’m working on myself and hope to get better at in the future.
You know you are surrounded by blessings and that you are cradled in His arms…even at 4am 🙂 YOU are a blessing to me and so many others. I hope you have a wonderful Monday.
“To combat the yuck, I will count.” I love how you know where you are, and you’re boldly stepping forward to give thanks. It’s an encouragement to me tonight, Anna. Thanks. I’ve become slow to record the thanks, and this is a breath of fresh air to me tonight.
You will be so blessed with counting. Always count your way through those hard times and remember…He stands by you and holds you up through those times. Enjoy the journey.
I had the baby blues after my daughter. I remember it well…and I wasn’t in cold MN! I love how you are taking that and using thankfulness to get through each day.
~Kristin