that tiny cry.
so bitty, so strong, and so loud. sometimes i just cry with him. the only surefire soother is my breast, and he can’t stay there all day (though i think he would, if i let him). the exercise ball works too, but nysse the dog popped it (seriously). i wrap him in the moby, and he writhes his head out to look around, crying every few minutes.
his daddy comes home and wraps him in the moby, and sam’s out sleeping in minutes. so is it me? does he not like me? does he really prefer daddy?
other new mamas take their babes on outings to target, coffee shops, the mall. and i cry – those things sound awful to me because i’m still in pain. nearly 6 weeks later, and i’m still hurting where 14 inches of baby head broke through. taking sam on an outing is stressful to me – partly because i can’t walk very far, and partly because he screams and cries when he’s not sleeping, and i can’t bounce him or do laps around the couch or lunges to calm him.
all i can do is cry with him.
but i don’t think it’s bad to cry with him. i’m his mama. i’m sam’s mom. and he knows my heart and hears it beat sad with his. someday (soon) i’ll heal, and then we’ll go on outings.
but until then, we cry. he cries and i cry and we snuggle and pray and love. and there is so. much. love underneath the tears.
-anna
{girlwithblog&baby}
linking up with Heather’s 19th installment of just write, an exercise in free writing. she’s awesome.
{girl with blog}
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Mine aren’t babies anymore, and I still cry with them. Sometimes, you just gotta. Things will get better soon. Until then, let it out.
Thank you for the encouragement. I don’t cry with him all the times, but it does feel just good when I do.
I’m not a mama yet….but I think you are right my friend, it’s totally ok to cry with Sam! Ive always been a crier. I think tears can be cleansing and healing so perhaps in the midst of those tears my friend, you are going through the process of learning, growing, and healing as a new family! Love ya!
sweet tara, thanks =) i’m a natural crier too – always have been. it’s just like exaggerated now! thanks for your words.
you wouldn’t be a mama if your baby’s cry didn’t make you cry sometimes 🙂
=) thank you!
wow, are you ok? did you call your doctor? healing should get better by six weeks unless there was alot of internal tearing. You are not uncommon to have the hormones go a little wacky but please be sure to talk with your doctor about the ‘mobility issues.’ It should be getting better. Praying for you.
I actually did have a lot of level 4 internal tearing, so that’s why it’s taking so long =( I went to the doc last week and got some topical solutions for healing and pain control, have my 6 week postpartum check-up on Friday, but I’m going to call again tomorrow – it’s so frustrating to be in pain. I’ll be ok soon =)
It is hard to imagine when a day feels like a week, but the days will pass, Sam will cry less, he will learn that the breast will be there and he doesn’t have to seek it all the time while he’s on you, and you will heal. And then there will be plenty of time to sit in a coffee shop and stroll in the sun….
I hope you are feeling supported in these first difficult weeks.
I’ve been there, Anna. You are describing exactly what I was like with my first baby. I had horrible level 4 tearing from a huge baby head and he was an incredibly fussy baby. It’s so hard! I cried along with him alot! Please know you’re not alone. Just make sure to keep an eye out for PPD. It happened to me, and I think feeling so isolated with a crying baby and a difficult recovery made it worse. Make sure to take a little time for yourself when Jared is home even if it’s just going in your room for a 20 minute nap or to read. It helps a lot! I’m praying for you that you and Sam make it through this difficult weeks!
I remember these days. I remember thinking those same words, “she would stay latched on all day if I let her, but I can’t do it.” One night I couldn’t do it any more, so my husband encouraged me to put her in her car seat and set her in our room near him (he couldn’t hold her either at the time), and take a shower. It gave me a chance to drown out the crying, and we knew she had all her physical needs met — full belly, dry diaper, etc — and wouldn’t be harmed by crying for awhile. I felt so much better after just a half-hour break. And she went to sleep shortly after. I’ve begun to believe that some babies need to wear themselves out to sleep, and crying is the only way they know how. I know that’s blaspheme in some circles, but it was the case *sometimes* with mine.
Praying for healing for you — when your body feels better, your mind and heart will start to feel better too.
The first 6 weeks were the hardest for me. It gets better. You are not alone.
(Hugs).
🙂 Heather
It is your new mama right to just cry! All that is required of you is taking care of and loving on that little one! There will be plenty of time for outings and playdates soon enough…because trust me…this first year of life is not at all long enough! 🙂
Oh, honey. This reminds me so much of my babies. It’s OK to cry. If you can’t connect with the outside world by going on outings, let the outside world in via your computer.
It’s OK to be frustrated that you are still in pain. Some days seem to go on forever when they are that young, but I promise you this is just a stage and it will pass.
Want proof? I blinked and my babies are now 6 and 9. Hang in there, Mama. You’re both going to be just fine. If you need to vent or cry at any point, give a shout. xox
Read this today and it did me good: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/01/what-to-cling-to-on-the-days-youre-drowning/
I’m at 8 months with #2 and still have a hard time just letting her cry… she doesn’t go to sleep unless I feed her… but dad can get her to go to sleep. Not sure what that is. But it is what it is. 🙂
Lifting you up… and as several others said … you’re not alone…
Sometimes you just need to cry along. But please call me if you are crying every time. *hugs*
I totally remember how you feel and my heart hurts with you. I had 4th degree tearing with my little one, got an infection, then a fistula. Four months, three office procedures and two surgeries later, I felt slightly human again. While I was so grateful for an extra-long maternity leave, all I wanted was to feel well enough to feel capable of not only taking good care of my sweet girl, but enjoying it.
Looking back, I realize I did treasure all of that time. I cuddled and nursed and breathed her in. And when she was fussy and I felt like I couldn’t do what I needed to help her (i.e., simply sit up straight), I cried with her.
You are in my prayers. Try to keep your chin up and treasure your little one who will grow too fast. Know that you WILL get better.
Soon, you’ll even be able to sit in any chair you want! 🙂