I want to fill this new shiny space with joy, only sweetness, all things pink and sugary. I have a book review due two hours ago and a cookbook review&giveaway slated for two days ago. There are adorable pictures from our Easter Sunday waiting to be uploaded, and new recipes to share with you.

But I just don’t feel shiny or sugary or even very happy.

Today a friend of mine delivered her sweet baby girl,  barely two weeks shy of her due date, and that baby never took a breath.

So much pain. So heartbreaking. I want to cry and yell at God a little. How come this happened?  It’s not fair! That baby was so close to being in her nursery. It’s not fair that her parents had to go home with an empty carseat to a house with a pink quilt hanging on an unused crib. It’s not fair that her heart beat for nearly 38 weeks, then just stopped. Simply stopped beating. Couldn’t You have intervened? With merely a breath, couldn’t You have restarted that strong flutter? It’s just not fair. 

Then I wonder, where does this desiring of fairness come from? Nothing is ever fair, but it’s as if we think things should be, all things should be just. Yet women who don’t want babies have them, and women who yearn for babies never conceive, and still other women lose babies before they can take a breath.

God, will you make beauty of even these things? You promise you can, that you will, but tonight I don’t see how that’s possible. And that takes a lot for me to say. I’ve seen you make good of deep, dark uglies. But for some reason I’m stuck today. The babies won’t leave my head and my heart aches for their mamas especially. This isn’t what I wanted to write on my brand new, shiny, pretty blog. These aren’t things I ever wanted to write anywhere.

But I am a truth-teller, and tonight this is my truth. I am angry and sad and challenging God to come thru on His promise of beauty. All my hope hinges on that promise.

To all who mourn in Israel,
    he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
    festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
    that the Lord has planted for his own glory.
Isaiah 61:3 (NLT)

{girl with blog}

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