We lost another baby last week.
Honestly, the swirl of emotions in my head and heart is so intense and hard to define that I don’t really know what to type, how to direct my fingers, what to say. There are too many words to write, and no words to write, at the same time. I almost didn’t write this at all.
I took a positive pregnancy test the day I left for a work trip, grinning goofy big in the bathroom. I left on a Thursday, turned down wine all weekend, and on Monday in the airport bathroom there was blood. My first BHCG levels were fine, but the next ones didn’t rise as they’re supposed to. By the next draw the levels were tanking and continued to do so all week, and an ultrasound confirmed a cruelly empty gestational sac. We scheduled a d&c, but my body was done being a host and started the process on its own today. The d&c will be tomorrow morning.
It’s been so different than that day two and a half years ago. The little Boy running around now changes things a bit. No longer do I have the ability or desire to stay in my bed all day for a week. His little face that doesn’t know devastation beyond waiting three seconds for a cracker looks up at me, waiting for hugs and kisses and playtime. And I don’t sink into the pit of depression that I fell into last time. That little Boy is healing me, making me into a Mama, joy doing it’s good work through him.
But even with him, we’re still heartbroken. And wondering if this will happen again – the pregnancy and the loss. And jealous of those with {seemingly} simple paths to children. And in physical pain. And a little hopeless. And sad about what could have been with this baby, how our lives would’ve changed in October.
We spent these two weeks as we normally do, mostly – work, going to MOPS, a birthday party, to the grocery. We made beef stew and had fires in the fireplace and it snowed a lot. My sweet little Boy carried on as he does, full of mischief and spitfire and joy. He cut two more teeth this week, bringing his total to 14. And he said ‘bird’, grew out of his shoes & 18mo sleepers, and learned how to climb up onto the couch.
We sent out a bunch of sad text messages, and a few friends called from there. I told one of them that I didn’t know how to do this publicly. Last time, though I shared in this space, it didn’t feel public. This time it kind of does. My friends reply to me was swift – “You don’t have to.” That was good to hear. Frankly, neither being public nor being quiet about this time sat well with me. Though what did I expect? There’s nothing feel-good about this – either way it’s grief and it doesn’t feel good but we do it, we process and pain comes and we grieve and it happens in public and in private.
And so I bring you into my corner. I need you to be there, friends. Because two and a half years ago, I chose to share part of our journey with you, and found a beautiful and incredible support that knocked me back in surprise. You mean there are people, REAL PEOPLE, on the interwebs?! =) As I shared my story, you shared yours, and we forged bonds and community and friendship. You grieved with me and shared my joy and fears and welcomed my mess into your life. So I come to you again, feeling very much exposed and in need of grace and love and a little sympathy as we go back to where we began.
Friends, thank you. Thank you for supporting and loving me & my family. It’s on purpose that we share this thing with you that I never wanted to say again.
We lost another baby last week.
-anna & family
So Sorry to read this. Hugs and prayers to you, I’ve lost two babies as well and know how hard it can be. Thanks for sharing with us even through the pain and hurt. I’m mostly a stalker on here and don’t say much but wanted to lift you up in prayer.
Oh Anna, I am so so sorry. I want to drive to you and hug you now and I am here if you need me!
Love ya
Jen
<3
you have my prayers.
I am so sorry to hear this. I will be praying for you and your family.
Oh I am so sorry.
You can be real here.
You can ask us to pray for you or support you or JUST listen.
Be kind to yourself and be patient.
God is listening too.
Love & hugs.
I am so sorry to hear this. Sending up prayers for His peace and comfort.
So sorry. Know that you and your family are wrapped in prayer and blessings.
oh, i’m sorry to hear you are going through this. hugs to you and your family. xo
Anna -so so sorry. We lost a little one to miscarriage on Feb 19th in 2008….and while we are grateful to have 4 children (2 after that time)…the road wasn’t easy and miscarriage at any phase is hard. I am praying for you…wishing it weren’t so and asking God to take these dark parts of your story and turn them to light. Much love and big hugs!
Kristin
I’m so sorry for your loss 🙁 You are so right, that you are surrounded by people who care and will be praying. I am one of them.
Little heart broken over here for all three of you. For now… a perfect, perfect boy… and more to come, I’m sure. xoxoxoxo
I hate that you hurt. I love you sweet beautiful humble and amazing Anna. :(…….
Sweet friend, I am so sorry. Praying for you and J and sweet Boy ….
Oh Anna, I an so sorry. I went through a miscarriage a year ago (which I plan to talk about at out next meeting). You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. If you need to talk, I am happy to listen…
Oh my heart is breaking for you, I am so sorry. Praying for you and your family!
So so sorry for your loss beautiful…hugs and prayers
So so sorry for your loss beautiful…hugs and prayers
{{hugs}} sweet friend. Praying you through this.
(((((Hugs))))) we are praying for you and so sad for your loss. If i may be blunt…its just not fair. You two are amazing parents to Sam and such a loving couple you do not deserve this pain…so that is how i see it. Its just not fair.
This comment has been removed by the author.
Just letting you know I am thinking of you, we are currently dealing with infertility and I know how much my heart hurts and don’t wish that on anyone.
This breaks my heart. You are in my prayers and thoughts, my friend. You are one fantastic mother and that showed brightly the first time I met you. Right now I’m reading Shauna Niequist’s new book, maybe you have it already, “Bread & Wine.” It’s about food and recipes, but also about life. There’s a chapter in there about her losing a baby and she writes about her emotions so openly and honestly. I’ll have to show it to you the next time we all get together. Hang in there!
I’m so sorry for your loss!! Whether its the first loss or second it still hurts and I pray you will be able to heal again in time. It’s so nice to know we will never lose Jesus and He is always there with unending amounts of sympathy, love, and grace. I’m praying for you!!
:(( praying for God to light your path and hold you extra close!!
Oh Anna I’m so sorry. When I met you in NY, with Maisie in my arms, before your gorgeous boy, I knew you were already a mother in your heart – just remember that nothing changes that. You are mother to many – the child beside you and those that are not. So much love. Emily xoxo
Praying for you and fast healing! Praying for your family as you suffer another lost! Love, prayers and hugs to you!
Just…..{HUGS}…..praying for you. May you feel His loving arms wrapped tight around you and your baby….
Hugs Anna. I will be praying for you.
oh sweetie ~ I’m so not keeping up with my SM circles these days. Sending you peace and love and light.
Here’s the part that stuck with me “And jealous of those with {seemingly} simple paths to children.” – You are not alone sweet girl. You are not alone.
There are not any words that feel adequate for comfort either …but I share with you what helps me when I am missing my two daughters…
Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”
I don’t know what faith you are or what your beliefs are but I share mine with you in hopes it will bring you some comfort…
I believe that our children are on loan from God and sometimes he just needs us mom’s of saints to hold them in our wombs for such a short time…they are in our hearts for all eternity and I believe I will hold them in my arms in Heaven and I try very hard to do what I need to do to get there some day.
your two little saints are very much still with you I believe… and praying for you at the feet of Jesus
I wish I could take the ache out of your heart but only God can give you that grace and I am thankful I can feel grief and know that I had someone special in my womb for a while…
My girls are now in their 30ies and as I read your share …I cried like it was yesterday…it is a sweet sorrow now because I know I still have them just not in the way I thought was best at the time.
I share your pain and I share your joy…and I pray that you have lots of extra grace to get you through the years to come.
I think when we separate from our children it seems out of order and not quite the same as losing someone who has lived a full and long life…and perhaps because I don’t want to make others uncomfortable I don’t say “I have five children” I say “I raised three” when someone asks how many children do you have?…this is grace that allows me to muddle through the pain of those questions…
my prayer for you is that you have extra grace to help you and know that from now on you are forever the mother of two very special saints…I hope my feeble words have brought you some comfort or at the very least helped you to grieve.
God Bless and keep you and your family
a sister in Christ,
Laura
Prayers ascending and Peace to you and your family!
My heart aches for you dear friend. Crying with you today and praying deeper joy than you’ve ever known as you hold your Sam close to you heart.
dear, sweet Anna… I am so sorry for your loss. Please send the same message to your husband for me.
I know I am far away, but is there anything I could do that would be helpful? Maybe a guest post you could publish on a day when you would like a blogging break? Feel free to email me.
Anna, I have been praying for you and your husby all day. My heart is aching with you. Love you so much, girl.
I am so sorry for your loss! I pray God can give you peace and comfort as you go through this with your family. I have kept my miscarriage pretty private and a lot of people don’t even know I have had one. I think it’s great you are willing to share your feelings. I will say a prayer for you and your family!
Blessings,
Mary
Oh Anna! I am just now reading and catching up. I am so so so sorry for your loss. I have no words. Only prayers lifted on your behalf. May our God comfort you in your grief.
My heart aches with you, at the loss oft this life. May God turn your wailing into dancing again – in His time.
Ouch. I’m so sorry. It hurts, hurts, hurts.
I just read this now..I am so sorry for you and your family that you have to go through this..I, like so many others, have been there too…I wish I had words that would offer you comfort, there are none..I will say a prayer for you and your family..
Yes I know the joy of children and the pain of loss as well. Thank God that He gives second chances and sometimes more! His grace and mercy are new every morning.