This week, June 12-18, I am hosting an online book/Bible study on Hope for the Weary Mom – I’ll be posting from one chapter each day from the point of view of the new mom. If that’s not the group for you, click here to find another one! There is an introduction post with more details here. I would love if you’d join in the daily discussion!
When You Don’t Measure Up
A defining moment in my marriage was one October evening nearly 7 years ago. We sat on the couch together for the first time in two years, after we’d broken up and moved on – but not really. We said let’s take a chance. Let’s tell the deep truth about how we feel. Let’s say the scary things as though there were no repercussions and no reasons to be nervous, and let’s call that ‘simple honesty’.
And since that night we’ve remained simply honest with one another.
Can’t we do that as moms? Can’t we, when updating Facebook, have the courage to post something real? Like ‘after drinking half a cup of cold coffee that’s been sitting on the counter for two hours, I’m going to clean up the poo-splosion from this morning that I left on the changing table because OH the gross, and then I may attack the dust bunnies and dishes that have mutinied. Or I may just take a nap with the baby.‘
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| what i did instead of cleaning. duh. |
Or what if we tweeted, ‘Would you come over for a couple hours? I could use a hug&some help.’
What do you think the response would have been had I instagrammed this picture of the Boy absolutely coated in spit-up?
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| what’s that? you don’t take pictures of the disasters before cleaning them up? |
I just asked Husby if I should post this pathetic picture of the Boy because I’m scared you’re all going to think I’m a rotten human being for snapping a pic before cleaning his poor sweet face. If you tell me I’m rotten I will cry, so please just think it quietly. Or better yet, tell me that you’ve done it and send me a picture of the same caliber! =)
Honestly, I would SO much rather see simply honest statuses like these rather than some where the mom has makeup on, clean jeans that are pre-pregnancy sized, a clean house in the background, there’s not a spot on the baby, and everyone is smiling. Does she have it all together? Maybe. Probably not. But does it look like she does? You bet.
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| proof that I do clean him. |
I’m not saying we don’t have moments and days where all is well and right and good. Those times should be broadcast, and etched into our beings for the rest of the days. We need to share the lovely things about being mama too. But:
This feeling of not measuring up has been one of the hardest parts of mothering for me. Comparison steals my joy – how does it affect you?
Let’s talk:
- How often do you catch yourself comparing your home, job, income or parenting to someone else?
- What are the verses from HFTWM’s list that really speak to your hearts inclination to compare?
-anna
{girl with blog}
{girl with blog}
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Here is what I have learned…when I started writing from real, God showed up in the most amazing way. I want to live that. I want to show the ugly and the pretty. Because it is in the real others get to see God at work in the middle of it all.
Anna – you have just blessed my heart, beyond words today. Thanks.
Thank you, Stacey. Honesty is the only way to live. I love what you said about it! So happy to know you!
Anna I’m not a young Mom anymore my kids are 24 and 28 but I am still not a confident mother, I was cleaning this morning and picked up photos I have around of my boys and I was wishing I could go back to when they were the ages in the photos, I think I could have done better as a Mom, made different choices and better choices bringing up my boys, they have both have their moments neither one are perfect, I often think I would like to take a little part of each and give it to the other but even then I don’t think they would be perfect. I understand what you mean about posting only the good things but yes bad things happen too and what do we do? We try to hide it from the world…here is what I know about you Anna from my short time of knowing you…you are doing a wonderful job as a Mom…don’t know about the wife thing…was only around you and Jared the one time but you looked so right together…and now look, you are sharing the normal every day things that being a Mom means…and helping other Moms in the process…and you know what…we love and admire you for it…even us old Moms…
Oh Angela, thanks for your comment. I know you, and I am positive you did a beautiful job raising your boys. I am pretty sure we will all look back and wish we’d done things differently, but the big stuff – the rocks – I think you got those right.
You blessed me with your kindness today. Thank you, so much.
I am really struggling with this right now. I compare myself all of the time and feel so inadequate most days. There are so many moms about me that appear to have EVERYTHING together and then there are so many family members that seem to accomplish more than me in the same 24 hours we’re all blessed with. But then, when God quiets my turbulent soul, He reminds me that all of these things I’m struggling with can be redeemed as long as they drive me to Him. He is where I need to find perfection and draw strength from. Isaiah 41:10 should be my life verse for this season of life. It is so incredibly comforting and rejuvenating to read that over and over again!
And BTW, loved, loved, loved the pictures of you snuggling your little man!
I love your thoughts on this – that the things we’re struggling with are redeemed as they drive us to Him. I’ve been thinking a lot about Mary and Martha in this season of life, and trying to choose the best thing. I think so often we rush around trying to get everything done, but Jesus is calling us to sit at his feet and learn from Him. And as we learn from Him, we’re able to get things done with more joy and less stress, and to let go of the tasks that don’t matter so much.
What important reminders and they are so true! When we focus on Him everything else fades away. Priorities become clearer and we are able to get through so much more that actually needs our attention than we would if we were fighting through it on our own.
Michelle, just know that you aren’t alone. And that the rest of us don’t have everything together either!
You ladies are so smart. =)
Michelle, I am struggling with it too. Seems like everywhere I turn there’s someone who is doing it – mothering, wifey-ing, working – better. I feel like I – we – have to dig in to who we know we are, God’s precious girls, and live from there instead of from who we say we are in those moments. Does that make sense?
Amanda, whatever it takes to get things done with more joy and less stress – YES to that!! =)
Jessica, may He give us doves eyes to focus. Right on.
Logan was three weeks old. My husband was working from home that week because I was scared to be left alone. He took 15 minutes to run get his hair cut. And in that 15 minutes my son threw up his entire feeding. For the first time. Milk gushing like Old Faithful. All over me, all over him, all over the couch and the carpet. I freaked out. I held him close and ran with him, still throwing up, to his room. Then realizing my phone was in the living room we both ran back to the living room. Me trying to make sure he could breath. Trying to call my husband. Balling. Telling him to come home right away. Logan had his very first bath after that episode. Mommy got a shower too. It was terrifying. I don’t have a picture because honestly I was too scared to even think in that moment of grabbing a snapshot. But I can still see it clearly in my mind like it was yesterday.
Or, how about the day I had a follow up doctor’s appointment after the c-section. I made it around the corner and promptly turned around. I was scared to drive by myself across town. I made my husband and newborn come with me. We were late of course. I’m a little mortified that I was so scared to do something I’d done a bazillion times before.
I realize all of this really has nothing to do with the questions for the day. But in raw transparency these episodes are flashing in my mind right now.
My “her” is really me. I have these expectations of myself. This bar I’ve set on what my house should look like, what I should be able to get done in a 24 hour period. I will never be able to live up to my own expectations. I know this somewhere deep down. But does that make me stop trying to outdo “her”? Nope. I push harder and longer to do more.
I really appreciated the verse in chapter two from Isaiah 41:10. I’ve not thought of it in this context before, but it really fits. When I don’t have the energy or attitude or drive, I need to remember this. I keep scripture verses posted on our fridge. I think I need to add this one to the group!
I had such anxiety after the birth of my first son. It can be so scary, how the little things feel so big. It does help so much to let go of expectations and just try to enjoy the moments. I just read the book Spirit-Led Parenting, and it really helped me to see God’s perfect Father heart and how he wants me to mirror that love and delight to my children. Lord, help us to find rest and peace and joy in you, and to reflect Your love to our kids!
I was so surprised by the anxiety I felt. I basically spent 24 hours a day with my husband and son for three weeks or more and it was amazing how scary it was to get back out there on my own. I treasure the time we shared, but am so glad to have an independent spirit back!
I just finished reading Spirit-Led Parenting as well! I wish I had read it before Logan was born, but am still grateful to have that insight now. It is definitely freeing to release our expectations, big and small, and stand in God’s grace. Thank you for that extra encouragement and prayer!
Oh what beautiful photos…even the spit-up 🙂 You and your boy are precious. I’ll have to find the epic blow-out picture I have of J and send it to you. All the way up to the shoulders… 🙂 Sometimes you just have to document those crazy things because they are both disgusting and hilarious!
Yes, I have struggled with the comparison demon. Especially since I was the first in my friend group to have a baby and had NO CLUE what I was doing, and was so afraid of messing everything up. I compared myself to the professional mom bloggers and women at my church who seemed to have it all together. I envisioned what my mom and mother in law and grandma were thinking about me. And I’ve slowly gotten better at letting go and accepting God’s grace and mercy. These past months of being sick and having a newborn have been so very tiring… I feel like I’ve been in survival mode for most of my baby’s 7 months. And yet I can also feel my faith and dependence on God growing despite the circumstances (or because of them…).
I was so encouraged by Psalm 103: 2-5, because it reminds me that in all these things, God is so, so good and sovereign. Even if I struggle to see his blessings physically, I know He is renewing my spirit.
“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who
satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”
Thanks, you. I would love to see the epic blowout picture – mostly because it’s proof that another mom took the snapshot before wiping (hosing) him down! =)
Comparison is a demon. Truly a joy-stealer.
I am so over giving it power.
Oh you have no idea how much joy that “covered in spit up” photo brought me…I just had to laugh. Been there. Wondering how he got it on his eye? But it’s just life as we know it, right? Hugs, mama – you’re great at it & your little guy is blessed to have you as his mommy. Plus, think of the great photos you’ll have to embarrass him when he brings a girlfriend home 😛
haha! So glad to make you smile! I think he spitup and then mushed his face into it – dad’s shirt was probably covered too. =)
That’s the plan =)
Ooh and so glad you linked up your post! I loved it.
Hi All,
I am Anna’s sister (sidenote: she’s as amazing in real life as she is in your computer). I have no kids (unless you count a 4 legged, overweight foster fur child) and I from an outsiders point of view, I think it’s amazing you all accomplish what you do in a day. I have piles of laundry in my basket from 2 weeks ago that need folding. This weekend, I thought accomplishment was putting on non-stretchy pants and unloading the dishwasher. And I have no one else to take care of but me. The sheer fact that you take care of yourselves and another human being is amazing to me. Always remember that every little thing about you is perfect to God. Every piece of you, the good and the bad, was perfectly woven by Him into the web that is you. You. Are. Perfect.
You made me cry. Thanks a lot sissy.
=)
This is why I adore you, and why you’re my best friend. There’s a lot of wisdom and heart packed into your cute little self. I’m so happy you’re my sister.
And for the record, you’re still my first go-to for some mom stuff. You supernanny, you.
I’m late on the response – there are a couple of “super moms” that I know and look up to – in a good and bad way. They encourage me to seek God in all things and be intentional with mothering. They also make me feel bad when I don’t get up and go running for one hour at six in the morning or take Norah to the zoo for the fourth time this summer. There are super cute, stylish skinny moms with tiny babies walking all over the place, but I never notice the thousands of other moms I see everyday who are not in that boat. I try really hard to keep those thoughts in check – how to be intentional about mothering but also simple and relaxed at the same time. I think all I can do is just be me! 🙂 God made me how he wanted, and he made Norah how he wanted (and any other kids he allows us to have) and he doesn’t want us to do it like everyone else. At least that’s just what I feel he’s told me today.
Oh friend, I have those moms too. And with Facebook/Twitter/blogs, you can see them so much easier too, you know? It’s really hard. I had that feeling super intensely right after Sam was born. When I was still in a lot of pain all I could see were other new moms wearing jeans and taking their kids to Caribou and Target and I couldn’t walk the stairs. Oy.
For the record, I’ve always thought your style as a whole was simple and relaxed. I envy that trait in you =)
God made you great.
Good Morning Anna! I wanted to say thank you for your post yesterday on “being real.” Your challenge and inspiration was really what lead to my (wordy) post yesterday. I appreciate your willingness to open yourself up and share what’s on your heart. I find, at least when I’m writing, that even if I’m writing about something difficult I feel the need/pressure to wrap it all up in a pretty pink bow. That way I don’t end on a sad note. It’s easier to see those neatly wrapped packages after the fact. But in all honesty life isn’t always packaged with a pretty pink bow. And while it’s not always easy to admit that out loud, it’s the truth and we all know it. Thanks again for hosting this week of hope. I’m enjoying the conversations immensly!
Thank you Jessica! It is easier to see the neatly wrapped packages of posts, isn’t it? But you get to make the rules – it’s your blog! =) {grin}
I am so glad you’re a part of this study. it’s been fun to get to know you a little =)
Proof that you are not alone with your spit up photo: http://simplyrebekah.com/2010/03/09/a-warning-to-teenagers/
HA!!!! Thank you!!!