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| someday he’ll be embarrassed that this is on the interwebs… |
My tiny boy was colicky for 3 months. He screamed and cried all the time. I dreaded leaving the house because he cried and cried and I couldn’t get him to stop. People we encountered were shocked if they heard him cry, and until I saw their reactions, I had no idea that all babies didn’t do that.
I’ve come to learn that my boy will most likely have a big personality. Whatever he’s feeling, he’s feeling hard. This particular emotional trait is straight from his mama. Ahem. I know my words will make or break him, and oh, do I want to make him into a good man! But I am going to need to keep practicing choosing to speak sweet words so that they come naturally, because sometimes I am not a sweet girl. Honest.
As I read the first chapter of Hope for the Weary Mom, I was actually thinking more of my husband than I was of my son. Husby is the perfect guinea pig for me to practice sweet words on! That sounded funnier than it does in my head. What I mean is, I am not always kind to him, especially when I am bone-tired and weary in my soul. Husby is my safe place. He loves me more than anyone, and knows me through and through. I know I can be awful to him and – though we will have to deal with the hurt feelings – he won’t go anywhere.
UGH. That looks so ugly up there, out loud. If you’re brave, please tell me that I’m not the only terrible one who does that.
As I continued to the conversation questions, I kept thinking of him. One of the suggestions in the book is to make a list of things that you love about your child(ren), and commit to sharing at least one of these things with them daily. I am going to do this for the Boy, and tuck it into a journal for later. But I am also going to do this for Husby.
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| hot and awesome husband that i love |
And that’s not all.
I think as new moms, we are caught in a cycle of constant change and upheaval. Not only is there an adorable tiny person gazing at us and needing us in an exhausting way, but we have to rearrange our marriages/days/lives/hearts to make room for them. Even if we spoke to every other mother we knew, read every what to expect book, pored over all the articles and research… we were not prepared for the enormity of being a mother. Handling this new role with grace when we are wearing our 5th shirt of the morning, slept in 2 hours chunks the night before, haven’t brushed our teeth, and/or are honestly just trying to make it until bedtime… it’s impossible. We need comfort and gentleness ourselves.
So let’s give it. Make that list of wonderful things about your child(ren), and share with them the things that make your buttons burst with pride. Tell your husband he is awesome and hot and that you love him.
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| just to prove that he does smile now =) |
And do not skip yourself. Pour a cup of coffee and take a sip while it is hot. Wear lipstick just because you like it. When you feel grumbly about your post-baby pooch belly, take a deep breath and look at your baby and kindly remind yourself that you.grew.that.person. in that belly.
Be gently worded with yourself.
Let’s discuss:
- Where do you turn first for comfort and relief?
- What did you take away from chapter 1?
-anna
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{girl with blog}
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1. Where do I turn for comfort and relief? I wish I said it was prayer, my Bible, etc. It’s usually sleep, or chocolate, or coffee. A glass of wine before bed helps too. 🙂 I am trying though. I sit through worship services and cry, desiring that I spent 30 minutes in the morning praying and reading, seeking God to direct my life. I used to be that sort of woman. These days, I choose sleep and coffee… and regrettably surfing facebook mindlessly! I think that has been one thing I’ve truly struggled with as of late.
2. Anna, I am with you. I think kind, gentle words for my baby have come easily. I have an admitably easy baby. Even when she’s not or decides that she doesn’t like naps for 2 weeks straight, I can come up with words that are gentle and loving because she depends on it. She is helpless, needy and her only intent is to be loved and cared for (even if she won’t take it sometimes).
My husband, on the other hand, is a different story. If he’s had a bad day, or is crabby, I expect him to get with the program. I don’t necessarily lash out, but I think a lot of things in my head about how different our days have been. I let those things stew and don’t speak them because I am “trying” to be understanding.
I know how hard my husband works. Since Norah was born, he has been busting his butt at work like never before. Leaving before 8, home around 6, going above and beyond to give everything he has to the ministry we share. Too often I focus not on what he does but what he doesn’t do. Not on what he sees in me but what he doesn’t see. We’ve certainly had our come to Jesus meetings about our new roles (we used to work together on a daily basis, and now I’m home 3 1/2 out of 5 days) and expectations.
I desire to speak truth about my feelings and gentle words of encouragement to my husband as we learn to live in our new roles.
Oh friend, you KNOW I’m turning to coffee and chocolate. I’m not sure that sleep is a bad thing to turn to for comfort… maybe habitually, but definitely if it’s needed, it’s important. But that time with God is SO precious and rare… it’s really hard to carve out time. I find myself thinking, ‘You read a book?! If only I had the time to read a stinkin book!’ And that’s how I like to open my heart to Him, through words and His word. But when I can’t put the Boy down, holding a book is hard =)
You have a good point about the not lashing out but stewing. I do that too. It’s a slippery slope, right?? These new roles are super hard to define because as soon as we do, they need to change.
I’ve never really been one to roll with it =)
I so, so get this. Well, not the colicky baby part… I think God knew I couldn’t handle that. But the part about striving to use my words well, and my hubby taking the brunt of my not-so-sweet words. Oh, it is such a challenge. Like you, I feel SO MUCH, and it’s hard to control how I let those feelings out. It’s scary to see my toddler mirror my reactions, too. Motherhood shows me so often my need for grace and forgiveness and sanctification.
Anyway… I haven’t been able to read chapter 1 yet because I’m getting an error message when I try to open the PDF. But to answer your first question, I’d like to say I turn to the Lord first, but often the first place I go when I’m stressed out is online, or to the kitchen. I’m trying to make my Bible app my default more than FB/Twitter. And I’m trying not to turn so often to chocolate. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your words and encouragement.
Also, when I see your Boy on your Husby’s shoulders, I can’t help but chuckle about when he spit up on his head. 🙂
Hi Amy! I so feel you on this! I too feel so much and have a hard time controlling how those feelings come out. I get frustrated and I know my son sees that even if he doesn’t understand it yet. I’m scared (terrified) for when he gets older and starts to reflect my own faults back to me. How do we do our best as moms, without falling victim to the hamster wheel of perfection?
Thank you for the empathy. 🙂 I’ve been learning to just lean into the Lord for grace and strength… knowing I can’t do this all on my own, realizing I need Him more than I ever knew. My mother in law has counseled me to “preach the Gospel to myself” daily – confessing my sins, accepting that Christ paid the price for them, accepting His forgiveness – and it is so freeing. Also just following the nudges of the Spirit – choosing to fast from things that are distracting me, choosing to read the Bible and pray on my bus ride to work instead of napping… All of this helps, although I still so often fail. “My Sprit is willing, but my flesh is so weak…” How about you? What have you ladies found that helps?
HAHA!! I’m so glad you were here for that! Yes, true story friends – Sam threw up on dad’s head. Sometimes it just gets too bouncy =)
Oof, that verse – my spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak… it’s so true. I think I’m being led to quieter things of the spirit instead of the big ones I used to practice. Like remembering to pray over the Boy whenever I can. Singing a worship song in the shower (no matter how quick the shower is!) That kind of thing.
Ooh and JEssica I love/hate that image of the hamster wheel. Love it because it so aptly captures how it feels, hate it because it’s so hard to get off the darn thing.
Amy – if you email me: 29lincolnaveue (at) gmail (dot) come I will email you the PDF copy of “Hope”. Thanks!
Both my beloved girls had colic. The first time around I was in panic mode for months until she finally stopped crying. When Bella started in I was much better. I could speak gently to her, I knew that it was okay to walk away….all the things that I wished I knew the first time around.
Gentle words are so important!!
Again friend, you give this weary mom hope, because you made it =) Some days, I seriously wonder HOW it’s physically possible for me to to it again.
First of all you are NOT THE ONLY ONE who does that, it’s normal in the rhythm of marriage. Not a great balance, but a human one.
Where do I turn for comfort and relief? I guess I just try to make it through to quiet time for myself or call a friend to check in that I’m not crazy. In the midst of all those things I text and twitter vent about how crazy mama life is. When I’m doing particularly well I pray, cry out to God and beg him to intervene in my heart and show me the beauty and the light.
I’m not in on the reading plan but I may have to look into it! I do pretty well complimenting my children but I fail utterly at telling my husband how wonderful he is, which is Sad because he thrived on encouragement.
Hi Leanne, I find that more often than not, in the moment, I forget to cry out to God for intervention. Do you have something you do that reminds you He’s there with you, even in those messy moments?
Thank you, friend, for not letting me (or any of us) feel alone. That’s a really important point of doing this study.
I sure do find comfort – some days! – online, from real friends. The ones I would (and sometimes do) call to run away with me for coffee are always just a few clicks away.
Let me know if you need a copy of the e-book to read along. There are a couple ways to get it for free (click the link to the detailed intro post at the top of the page); otherwise it’s $.99 at amazon =)
Jessica, to remind me, I have tried to incorporate God into my home decor! This sounds so Christian-y, but seriously. My house is like an advertisement for DaySpring. A few of my favorites are their canvas prints – one of mine has a simple armchair with the words, ‘As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord’. The hanging ‘grace’ tiles hang above our piano, the redeemed jewelery is around my neck, a wooden ‘grace’ tray holds books on the coffee table…
It works. All I have to do is look around for a reminder to call on Him.
1. Anna, when I read your post I felt like I was looking in the mirror. My husband is my safe place. He is the one who knows me better even than I know myself. He is where I dump all my worry, exhaustion, and frustration. To my chagrin, he bears the brunt of me in my worst moments. When I’m tired and worn out I expect him to be super human and cover all that I lack. Even if he’s commuted 3 hours that day, even if he’s worked an extra long day at the office, even if he’s had no quiet time to himself to relax. It’s embarrassing to admit out in the open. But perhaps that’s the first step to changing myself? To admit it, see it for what it truly is. I loved your idea to give gentle words to your husband as well as to your son. I forget how important that is. We all need kind words to keep us going. To thrive.
I am noticing more and more lately that I’m turning to caffeine and comfort foods to get me through the weary days. Instead of losing the last chunk of baby weight, I’m adding to it. I’m drinking more caffeine then I think I ever have in my life. Which amazingly enough still doesn’t give me energy.
2. I would say that it’s such a relief to know that I’m not the only mom out there feeling empty with nothing left to give. But, I know how this exhaustion feels, and I feel for all the moms (and dads) out there that feel it too. No, we aren’t alone, but there’s got to be a solution to help us so we don’t all just wallow in misery together! I found it surprising that the solution in chapter one was encouraging, kind, loving words. It seems so simple. But what a big impact they have. I’m going to start my lists for my son, my husband, even perhaps a list of kind words for myself. I need to remind myself I don’t have to be the energizer bunny every single day.
Don’t you love when that happens?! I’m so glad we can have similar souls =) That is JUST exactly how I feel about my husband too – down to ‘he bears the brunt of me in my worst moments’. UGH.
I’m adding to my baby weight too, which makes me feel even crappier. And then to have to buy new clothes in bigger sizes, and spend our money… it’s all yuck.
It is a relief to know that we aren’t alone in these struggles, isn’t it? But you are so right, and we have to be intentional in moving ahead instead of wallowing. Smartie girl =) We totally don’t have to be the energizer bunny – we can’t be, but for some goofy reason we kind of think we’re supposed to be. What’s with that???
Oh my heart is loving this sweet fellowship of moms who are loving on each other! Love the thought too, of extending the Gentle Words to our husbands. They get a dose of everything that is wrong, too. Such a good reminder for this mom of 4!
Anna – thanks for hosting. What a blessing you are!
Thank you Stacey!! This week is a gift to us for sure.
“Wear lipstick just because you like it.” Amen sister! I love this my friend. You are a wonderfully real blessing to your group, and to me 🙂
Yeah! =) Thank you sweet Brooke =)
Almost all of what you wrote resonated so deeply with me!!! The only part that didn’t is Jack wasn’t colicky. What a blessing you are!
My husband always gets the brunt of my frustrations with the kids after a LONG day. I need to remember to build him up, that we are in this together, and that he is such a wonderful provider for our family. I need to be gentler on myself and my expectations, because the calmer I remain, the calmer my family remains! 🙂