I have to be honest with you, friends – I’m not doing awesome. My body has had trouble healing from birthing my baby boy, with his 14inch head. I haven’t really gone into detail about this – just admitted the struggle, hoping it would just flitter away with the clicking of the keys. But it didn’t.
When I had Samuel, I tore pretty badly, both externally and internally. I went to see a PA at my doctors office weeks postpartum because I – my hooha – was still in such pain. She validated my pain, but couldn’t actually see anything wrong. At my 6 week appointment with my actual doctor, she did some more examining and still couldn’t see anything amiss. She said to come back if I was still in pain in a month.
Being the obedient girl I am {ha!}, I gave it 6 more weeks. When poo-ing still made my eyes smart with tears and I wanted to curl up in a little ball if I walked for more than 30 minutes, I went back to my doctor. She found that in healing the tears, the tissue kind of went crazy and kept growing over the healed wound. It’s called granulation tissue, and it’s very painful and sensitive. The tissue must be stopped from continuing to grow, so they treat it by cauterizing it with silver nitrate.
I’ve now had three of these cauterizing treatments – which are as painful as they sound – and it’s still growing. I’m now 19 weeks postpartum (that’s almost 5 months, friends.) Today at my appointment, my doctor found that additional scar tissue has begun to grow underneath the granulation tissue, causing even more discomfort and pain. Since the treatments haven’t solved the problem, it’s time for the big guns.
On Friday morning, I’ll have surgery to cut out the granulation and scar tissue. We have to be at the hospital before 6am, and I have to pump and dump for 24 hours. Recovery will take a while, and for at least a couple days I’m sure I’ll be flat on my back in bed.
I’m angry because this is so rare. It *almost* never happens. I’ve had a few extremely rare things happen to me during this postpartum period, and I’ve gotta say that I’m not a fan. Things that rarely happen to folks are hard to talk about, because almost no one else has experienced them. The rare things that have happened on this journey have been painful and shocking, and I’m done being the rare case.
I’m sad because it’s eaten up my first months with my baby boy. This breaks my heart. I don’t feel like myself because my body is working so hard to make milk and continue to heal itself and function without much sleep. That’s a LOT to ask of a body and I’m exhausted. I’m sad because I don’t have a huge stash of frozen breastmilk (I’m home with Sam, so I nurse him nearly exclusively) and will use almost the whole stash during that 24 hours period when I have to pour that liquid gold down the drain. UGH. Makes me pukey. I’m sad that I’ve missed certain things – ahem – with my husband for almost 5 months.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m treading water, just trying to keep my head above it. Treading means moving in the same place, and that’s exactly what I feel – I can’t move ahead. I am so jealous of other moms working out and talking walks with their babies and wearing jeans and sleeping and being with their husbands – ahem -and not needing their body pillows anymore and living. They’re shocked to hear I’m still dealing with hooha issues.
I’m defeated. With new stitches and cuts, I feel I’m moving backwards in the whole healing process. I’ve been in pain for so long now that it feels like it’s never going to get better.
My hooha has had it.
But as in all nasty situations, there is hope. I have the tiniest bit of hope hat soon I will feel better, that my body will heal and my heart with it, that I’ll be able to grocery shop without collapsing in pain afterwards, that I can stop icing and taking ibuprofen and wearing liners and nearly crying when I poo. Having my son is worth going through anything. My son. I’m a mama.
I will be ok.
But please pray for me? I would really appreciate it.
-anna
{girlwithblog}
ps – I have an excellent doctor who is doing all the right things. This isn’t her fault. She’s wonderful and kind and skilled. Just so you know =)
{girl with blog}
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Oh man….I am so sorry!!! What a horrible thing to happen to you and I’m sure it is hard to share this information so I’m glad you blogged about it because sometimes “you just need to get it all out!!!” I will be thinking and praying for you that all goes well and the real healing will start after this so that you can enjoy that amazing boy of yours. xoxo
((hugs)) sending many prayers your way. I can’t even imagine, but I hope that this surgery helps resolve your hooha’s issues and that you get a break from all the treading.
I will be praying and thinking about you. I have to tell you, my son’s natural birth ‘with tearing and stitches’ was worse than my daughter’s C section birth. It dit not feel good or heal right away. A c section you are expecting some down time, not at a normal ‘birth’… YES it hurts.
take care, you can do this just be sure they give you pain meds. I am so sorry you are strugging with this.
Anna…. you have been in my thoughts about this for so long. I’m praying so hard that this finally brings you the relief you so deeply need. Love you, my friend.
Oh, Anna. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all this. I’ll be praying for you to heal quickly after the surgery and for your heart to heal too. It’s amazing how much physical health affects our spirits. I’ve been dealing with an illness for the past couple of months and am also do tired of being tired. It’s hard to be loving and patient and joyful when you’re exhausted! But I trust God grows us through the struggle. ::hugs::
My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your pain. I will pray for you.
Sweet girl, this post brought tears to my eyes. You will be in my prayers for healing.
I am so sorry you are going through the pain – both physical and emotional! I believe I have been in a similar situation, and I give you huge props for reaching out and not trying to conquer this strugle alone! Keep us posted on your surgery – and if there is anythign we can do!
God is with you – it is very obvious!
Oh sweetie. I love you. & your hooha. I am praying this is the final step in being able to move forward & live the life you were intended for, that you have hoped for.
Thinking of you guys!
xxoo
Oh, my heart hurts for you sweet friend. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope your surgery goes Smoothly.
Oh my goodness Anna. I hate that you’ve been in this pain for so long. I really hope this surgery is the answer. You’ll be in my prayers all weekend (and before and after!)
Oh no. I am so sorry, praying for healing for you.
I’m so sorry. Praying for your heart and your healing. (And I’ve been that 1% and it is the worst. Sometimes it’s okay to stamp your feet and ask why. God is big enough for that.)
I love what Johanna said. God is big enough for your sad and your angry. I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this, friend.
Wow. I have no warm and fuzzy encouraging words to share with you. Instead I’ll just validate how awful this must be and say I am so sorry! THIS SUCKS!!! I mean, seriously!!! What the heck!?!?!? I hope and pray that this will be the last procedure that you need to correct the issue because this is just NOT RIGHT! I may just cry on your behalf.
Anna,
Honey so sorry that this wonderful time of your life that you have been waiting for your whole life has been such a rough time. I know u can make it through you are the toughest woman I know you have been through so much if just the few years I have known you. You and Jared will be in my thoughts and prayers on Friday praying everything finally works out for you so you can have your body back and be able to spend more much needed time with Jared and Baby Sam. Love You so much miss you guys a lot too. Hope I get to meet that Awesome baby Sam one day.
Sweet Anna, love ya!!! Please know I am sending up prayers for you. I pray that this surgery does what it needs to and you soon are back to feeling topnotch! Until then…love on that little boy and let J take care of! Again love ya!!!
I’m sorry you’re going through this! I wanted to give you hope – I had a similar issue after my first child was born (all 8 lb 12 oz and 24 inches of her!). However, I also went on to have three more kids, and never had as much as a scratch from their deliveries. I am happy to say my nether regions are normal now post 4 kids – so keep your chin up! And don’t let this experience be the deciding factor as you approach future pregnancies.
Oh Anna! I missed this post 🙁 You are in my prayer journal right now! *hugs*
ANNA! I missed this one also. Rest assured you look beautiful!
My Friday is wide open if Sam needs a cuddle! The Hansons will be praying and thinking of you. Please let me know what I can do.
Oh, sweetheart, you are definitely in my prayers. I understand – I had the same problem after Olive, though I didn’t have to go beyond the cauterization – and I feel your pain. I’m so sorry – if there’s anything I can do, let me know. Can I bring another meal???
Hugs & love,
Elle
Oh, honey. I’m out of the loop. I had no idea. Praying for you RIGHT NOW. *hugs* and *love* from Texas, and I’ll keep praying. Hang in there. You can do this!