My sweet Sam,I am a mother – your mama. I waited years to become your mother, did you know that? I worried that I would never become your mama, but I chose to love the hope of you more than I feared that worry, and endured countless finger pokes and vials of blood collected and swabs and doctor visits and vitamins and hormones and tears.

You were worth every. one.

It’s 10:00 and the news is on. Your daddy wanted to see the stadium update and we didn’t change the channel. You know that we don’t watch the news because it makes mommy cry. There’s a story right now about a 13 year old who took her own life because she was the victim of bullying and when her parents come on crying, sure enough my own tears stream.

Hers is a story I pray against being yours, and this is when it gets hard. This is when I choose love over fear. Because there are so many unknowns and horror stories that have given me nightmares and heartache, and I have to believe with all my fibers that the God who gave us you adores you and protects you and thought that your daddy and I could do the same. But when I hear of awful things happening to children, your darling face fills my mind and fear fills my heart and I can barely breathe. Then I hold you extra close or place my hand on your chest as you slumber in your cradle or smooch your cheeks and I relax, and breathe, and choose loving you over fear.

When you are bigger, my precious baby Samuel, you will run and play with your doggie and get dirty and bring bugs home and you will stay out late and play sports and go on dates and you will move away and love other people and I will still choose loving you over fear.

I would do anything for you, my dear baby boy. I would do finger pokes and medical procedures and I think my latest surgery is a little bit of proof =) and I would do no sleep and I will cry when you cry and do diapers and late nights and worries and dirty floors and love you right down to when it hurts.

I adore you,
This post is linked up with my friend Heather. Take a moment to read other freely written posts at her Just Write link-up.

{girl with blog}

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