My sweet Sam,I am a mother – your mama. I waited years to become your mother, did you know that? I worried that I would never become your mama, but I chose to love the hope of you more than I feared that worry, and endured countless finger pokes and vials of blood collected and swabs and doctor visits and vitamins and hormones and tears.
You were worth every. one.
It’s 10:00 and the news is on. Your daddy wanted to see the stadium update and we didn’t change the channel. You know that we don’t watch the news because it makes mommy cry. There’s a story right now about a 13 year old who took her own life because she was the victim of bullying and when her parents come on crying, sure enough my own tears stream.
Hers is a story I pray against being yours, and this is when it gets hard. This is when I choose love over fear. Because there are so many unknowns and horror stories that have given me nightmares and heartache, and I have to believe with all my fibers that the God who gave us you adores you and protects you and thought that your daddy and I could do the same. But when I hear of awful things happening to children, your darling face fills my mind and fear fills my heart and I can barely breathe. Then I hold you extra close or place my hand on your chest as you slumber in your cradle or smooch your cheeks and I relax, and breathe, and choose loving you over fear.
When you are bigger, my precious baby Samuel, you will run and play with your doggie and get dirty and bring bugs home and you will stay out late and play sports and go on dates and you will move away and love other people and I will still choose loving you over fear.
I would do anything for you, my dear baby boy. I would do finger pokes and medical procedures and I think my latest surgery is a little bit of proof =) and I would do no sleep and I will cry when you cry and do diapers and late nights and worries and dirty floors and love you right down to when it hurts.
I adore you,
mama
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This post is linked up with my friend Heather. Take a moment to read other freely written posts at her Just Write link-up.
{girl with blog}
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What a beautiful post! And what evident love for your little Sam!
I’m new to Just Write and to your blog (I finally started a new public blog after blogging privately with a very limited circle for years and years) and I will definitely keep reading via GReader. I liked the stuff I read when I looked back at older posts! Glad you posted around when I did so I saw your post now versus maybe weeks from now!
I’ll be praying as you recover from surgery
God bless!
Hi Leese – I am SO happy to meet you! Thank you for praying for a stranger. I so appreciate it. I’m glad you found me and look forward to getting to know you more through Just Write and our blogs =)
This is a beautiful post. A few of your posts have brought tears to my eyes, specifically this one though. I am also having difficulties getting pregnant and this post really helped me put things into perspective. I will chose living my unborn child over fearing I will not have one. I am so sorry you’ve had to go through so much to have your sweet boy but the love you feel is almost tangible to your readers. It is so worth it. Keep the stories and updates coming :).
I’m touched by your kind words, anonymous friend. I’ve been blessed to be able to share my journey here, and I’m in awe that God has used my words to help others feel not so alone in their journey. I am grateful for your heart – to make that choice is so difficult, and so worth it.
Thank you. Thank you. I will be praying for you.
That is a symbol of ‘Mothers day’… what a mom will do and want to do for her baby. You are beautiful…and he is very lucky to have you as parents.
Thank you. We are so blessed to have him for a son! Thank you Jesus…
You are such a good Mama. I’m so in awe of the love that shines through all the pain and discomfort you’ve endured. You and Jared are both so truly blessed, and I am blessed to be your friend.
Thanks friend – I adore you.
Oh! This is exactly how I feel! Yet…it’s so hard to focus on the love and not the fear. Beautiful piece!
Visiting from the EO.
I’m so glad you stopped by! Isn’t it so great when you just connect with someone elses words? Like they wrote what you couldn’t? I love when that happens. Thanks Bea =)
You’re a good mama, and great with words. I’m here from EO.
Janelle
Hi Janelle – thank you for your kindness =)
You’re a good mama, and great with words. I’m here from EO.
Janelle
So, so beautiful. The emotions of motherhood sure do run the gamut, don’t they? I’ve been thinking often lately about how perfect love casts out fear.
Um, that’s a big fat YES, they sure do. The whole huge gamut. Usually in a span of a few minutes. =)
Perfect love… sigh… striving…
Oh goodness, yes. I have to do this daily. So many stories send cold fear shooting through my veins, but I breathe, and exhale, and choose love. Beautifully stated, Anna.
Thanks, friend. I knew I’d have fears, but yes – those stories or TV episodes I saw before Sam, etc. come back to haunt me. Reminding myself of His love is the only thing that warms my veins.