this has not been how i’ve written lately. and i don’t like that. i’ve been unwilling to release the words, unwilling to be transparant. so with trembling hands and small letters, i’m bringing you my mess.
last night we went in to the hospital (all is well! i’m fine!) i was having contractions that were 7 minutes apart, and accompanied by back pain. the on call doc thought it best to go in, so about 1am we drove to the hospital.
it was way too much of a reality check for me. driving the route. taking the elevator to the maternity ward. changing into a gown. being hooked up to monitors. wearing an id bracelet.
and then there were the questions from the nurse. “who is your babys’ pediatrician? do you have a birth plan? are you going to have an epidural?”
uhhh…
no, we don’t have a pediatrician yet. birth plan – um, have the baby? an epidural… i don’t want to have one, but am not opposed if i need it. um, does that answer your question? we had to pull our act together and i didn’t even know our act was apart!
i felt so unprepared and inadequate and worst of all, fearful. so so scared that i was going to have this baby that very night (even though there is not a chance of that happening anytime soon). there was no joy – just fear. that was the worst feeling of all – that of cold fear. i couldn’t breathe. what kind of girl fears the baby?! what did that mean for me, and what kind of mama i’m going to be?
when we found out all was well and there was no dilation or effacement and the contractions were easing up a bit, i breathed, and a few fingers of fear released their grip. yet today, i still feel a tiny hold. will we be ready to bring a baby home? to have every single one of our routines shattered? what if nysse the dog doesn’t like baby? what if baby doesn’t like us? will i know when to feed him? will i know what to do when her umbilical cord falls off? what if that makes me throw up? what will our marriage look like? will i truly feel like a mama, or just like i’m playing dress-up?
these questions… this is my mess.
-anna
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**this post is linked up with Heather for the 9th edition of Just Write. Hop over to visit other ‘freely written’ posts.**
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I like your mess. it is good. Just right, even. And wows- so relatable. 🙂
Sometimes life catches you by surprise and you have something happen before you FEEL ready. But the thing is that God knows that you are ready.
Birth plans are good – but not so critical that you can’t give birth without them. Having a pediatrician before the birth is good too – but E didn’t and we found a great one. Epidural – you will or you won’t.
And as for the rest – the first moment you look at your precious child the world will shift on its axis, but you will be a mom and a great one, figuring it out like the rest of us one day at a time. Call if you want. A lot of this is very familiar stuff to me.
oh that fear! Will you be ready? What is ready, exactly? I have two adult children and 7 months ago I gave birth to twins. I’d done it twice before, shouldn’t I be ready? I had the same fears you have though. It’s scary but it’s wonderful and you *are* ready, even if you think you’re not. I love the line “with trembling hands and small letters.”
Trust your gut in the moment – you will know. If you need mommy advice – we’re here (and mom’s of 9 total)
It is all beautiful, messy, confusing, frustrating and exciting and wonderful at the same time!! That is normal ~ you will be a wonderful amazing mother ~ CA & K
P.S. When you find the time to email – we will add the gem of your new little one on your necklace!
You said “him”??? 🙂
anonymous: I also said ‘her’ =)
I still sometimes have the fear that he doesn’t like me, so it makes me feel a liiiiittle bit better to know a bio mom has that fear too. 🙂
You are kind, encouraging and thoughtful. You’re already a good mama.
I’ve had three kids and I think the best plan would have been to go with your plan of, “Have a baby.”
Knowing your options are good and knowing (or especially having daddy know) what you want or don’t want are important to voice beforehand. But in the end, no matter how your precious baby enters this world, the only important thing is that you are both healthy.
Deep breathes, enjoy these last weeks of your pregnancy. Get lots of rest and take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Everything will come naturally as God intended.
You are going to be fine.
The baby will be a precious bundle of beauty you won’t worry about the above. Your insecurities will be resolved and if you have a question call a mom or a grandma or a good friend and ask… ask… ask… they won’t mind the questions.
Believe me you are not ever ‘ready’ for labor or delivery it will just come when it’s time and you will do ok. I had my first child in two hours and my second in four. When you hold that miracle you will just know in your heart it will good. One day at a time. One prayer at a time. take care
I had so many of those same fears, but every one of them fell off the moment they placed him in my hands. You know. You are a Mom and when your baby needs you, you will know what, and when, and how, and why. It’s part of the beautiful miracle that God enacts with us. It’s in us, in our DNA. And right now it’s moving between you and that baby in your belly.
You will know. You will.
I honestly think it is so much better to ask as many of those questions now–BEFORE the baby is born. I went into this whole motherhood thing so incredibly blind. I was so naive. I thought I had it all under control.
When our daughter came, AAAHHH!
She. Is. Supposed. To. Sleep. She. Is. Supposed. To. Eat.
I got socked with post partum depression (did with all my 4 children)and I thought life would never nver be the same.
I think it’s so important to ask those questions now. If I had maybe I could have wrapped my head around the biggest challenge of my life.
Know that in the end, even though those first 6 weeks seem like they take years to go through, you will be get through them and you will figure out a rhythm!