My husband was coaching at a big tournament all weekend, so Nysse the dog and I spent most of the weekend together. Together, we:
– laid on the bed and watched the snow and birds out the window,
– played fetch with her favorite, green bone,
– baked pumpkin muffins,
– watched a couple Christmas movies (I’m not ready to give it up yet!),
– just hung out

I went to the annual meeting at church, complete with a soup supper ‘Crockpot Alley’. Is there anything as wonderful as a church potluck?

And we quietly acknowledged the passing of my due date.

It was pretty much as I thought it would be. I thought about our baby every second of that day. What stage of labor I would have been in. What the nursery would have looked like. What our life would have looked like.

I wore a remembrance necklace that my sister in law gave me when we moved back to MN, just days after the miscarriage. I hadn’t been able to wear it until that day, and now I haven’t taken it off.

That morning, we got McDonalds breakfast {#sorrynotsorry} and watched a movie in bed, snuggling as a family. I ran errands to my favorite places. I wandered Barnes & Noble, a cinnamon dolce latte in hand. I rambled around Target. I walked the mall. Then met Jared for some supper out, and sipped a big ol’ pomegranate margarita. Then we went home, and snuggled again as a family. Nysse the dog even got under the covers to snuggle up! It was like she knew.

I wondered how other mamas spent their would-be due dates. I wondered if they even remembered them. Sometimes I wonder if other mamas took their miscarriages as hard as I have, or if I’m overly sensitive, or if they’re just quieter. The other mamas I know who miscarried around the same time I did are all pregnant again, so I wonder if their minds are elsewhere, while mine feels stuck.

I wondered if my grandma was holding our baby.

And then, just like that, it was a new morning. Complete with fresh hope and new mercy and clean grace. And we have made it through a huge milestone. One that I wasn’t sure how to get through. But we did it. And now we remember, and keep moving.

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