I could tell you about The Boy’s 9-month doctor visit yesterday, which was only thought-provoking in that I thought we brought him in for his 3-day check last week. He’s lost weight in the last three months, due to his ridiculously busy and insanely active little body. Y’all, he crawls fast and climbs with a fury, then pulls himself up to stand on whatever he’s just climbed. I’m just telling myself that he’s not hungry all the time. My heart aches too big if I think about him being hungry. *aside: doc says he’s thriving and not to worry*

I could tell you how excited I am for this weekend, and the fun and networking and thoughtful discussion it promises. I could tell you about the party I’m throwing (thanks to FisherPrice and House Party!) for 13 babies and their mamas…!!!

I could tell you how tired I am of trying to stick within the right Christian things. Honestly, sometimes I want to swear a little bit and have too much wine and not feel shame in loving trashy TV and didn’t Jesus die so we could be free? So why do we paint ourselves and each other into the corner where there isn’t any room to dance, and when did we start doing that? Because all I seem to see are tired women who adore God fiercely but are stuck saying all the right things and I just want to know, what are they actually really feeling? Who are they really serving? How are they really doing? Because I am over ‘fine’.

I could tell you how the depth of my marriage has grown since we became parents to a little boy that I birthed. How even though we’re exhausted and often feel like we don’t know what we’re doing and fight harder, we love deeper and it’s good.

I could tell you how I finally saw the Hunger Games and absolutely hated it. Judge me if you must, but honestly? It was a freaking weird and terrible concept and I’m praying that I don’t have nightmares.

I could tell you that I cried when feedburner died and I lost all of my subscribers. I am just one drop in the big bloggy bucket, but that’s 5+ years worth of readers whom I adore and now they’re gone and I can’t re-connect with them.

I could tell you how much cheesecake I put away this week, but I’m definitely not going to let you know =)

I could tell you about all these things, but all I really want to tell you is that I am so tired. Bone exhausted and weary. I feel like I’m not only burning the candle at both ends but also from the middle, top and bottom. No matter how much I do in a day, there’s always so much more to be done. And I know that the right answer is to put everything down and snuggle Sam, but that’s not always an option. OK I know it’s always an option, but sometimes the right thing to do is put him down and take out the smelly trash, or put him in his pack-n-play and take a shower, or let him play by himself while I try to eek out some work. I am tired and treading water and behind in all the things and so desperately in love with my son and husband that my heart feels bigger and all I want to do is go to bed.

And that’s all I need you to know tonight.

-anna
{girl with blog}